Our story started in highschool. My husband and I met after I had invited my friend Mike over for a swim one summer. He asked if he could bring a friend with him, I didn’t know his friend but said alright. From the moment we locked eyes, I felt a connection with Tim. We had a great time that day, and after they left Tim called me and admitted to me that he had asked to come along because he had a crush on me. I had a boyfriend at the time, and Tim had a less than stellar reputation at our school so I was hesitant to start anything serious, and asked if we could just be friends. Things quieted down until after I went to college. I was having lots of trouble with my boyfriend and Tim started spending a lot of time talking on the phone with me and visiting me. We talked so much that my dorm neighbors thought he was my boyfriend! I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend over winter break, and Tim was the first person I called to tell. He came over the next day and we had our first kiss.
Tim was not an overly ambitious scholar and didn’t want to go to college and was having trouble finding a job that kept him interested. He decided to enroll in the army. While he was still talking to a recruiter, his family was dealt a devastating blow in the form of his brother in law being KIA in Afghanistan when his truck drove over a roadside bomb. Tim’s brother in law was the only one killed, leaving behind his wife and 8 month old son. Tim was absolutely crushed but even more determined to enlist in the military. However his family and I were firmly against it. Finally in an issue of compromise, he decided to enlist in the Navy where it would be less likely to see direct action. Boot camp was a hard separation for us, especially waiting for those first letters. It was worth the wait though, because immediately after getting his first duty station assigned, he came home for Christmas and proposed. It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life.
We were married December 29, 2007, right after I graduated college. About six months into our marriage, Tim was assigned a submarine and began to go on deployments. His first six month deployment started shortly before our one year anniversary. Navy deployments are shorter than Army but just as hard because there is less contact. It was mostly just emails unless they stopped at a port and he could call, but email was often down for weeks or months at a time. I remember during one of the times it was down I got so lonely, I went out and bought another cat. He was so mad when he found out!
Then one night I got a call from our phone tree. They told me the sub had been in an accident but there were only minor injuries and there would be a meeting the next morning with more details. I was so scared at the meeting, wondering what they considered minor. They told us the sub had hit another of our ships and had been rolled 85 degrees, but were still operational enough to make into the nearest port. The worst injuries were actually my husband’s, with a mild concussion and bruised tailbone. They had to ride on the surface all the way home, with escorts. I was nervous but extremely relieved that it hadn’t been worse.
He arrived home and life seemed to go on without a hitch. They decided to rebuild the sub and we were told it would at least be a year before they were finished. We decided to try for a baby while we knew he would be home. We tried for almost a year before finally getting the happy news that I was pregnant. At this point they were way behind on the sub repairs and didn’t know when they would get it operational. Tim was so excited about my pregnancy, but so worried too! I had gestational diabetes, as well as a blood condition that made me a higher risk pregnancy so he was constantly worried we would lose her. I gave birth to our daughter on November 11, 2010, and the look on his face as the doctor handed her to Tim is one I will never forget. You could tell it was absolutely love at first sight.
They finally fixed the sub, almost two years after they had ended their last deployment, and were going out for a week long test run. Tim was so scared, he pulled me aside the night before they left to say he had taken out an extra life insurance policy because he was so worried that they wouldn’t come back up. I got a call a week later from him saying to come pick him up, that he was off the submarine for good. During the week deployment, he said he had slept about 8 hrs total, had extreme anxiety and nightmares, and couldn’t eat. He was diagnosed with PTSD, and assigned to a land job while the Navy decided what to do with him.
From the night he came back from that week deployment, he was not the same. He had an extremely hard time sleeping, nightmares, and panic attacks. He was put in therapy and it seemed like they assigned a new sleep medication every week for him to try. He was moody, more prone to fits of anger, and seemed to draw more into himself. He had always been one of those people that seem always happy and was friends with everyone, but he became quieter and more likely to sit around and play video games for hours on end, not really talking to anybody. They ended up putting him on a narcotic sleep aid for almost three months (we found out later, it’s only recommended for up to two weeks tops). And the Navy finally decided to temporarily retire him. Basically he was retired, but they had the right to evaluate him every six months and could pull him back into active duty at any time. He was given a class on resume writing and let go in August 2011.
Being let go, even though he said that’s what he wanted, seemed to make it worse. His mood swings got worse, and he starting sleeping in a different room in order to not wake me up several times a night. He contacted the VA, but other than refilling his prescriptions, they didn’t do anything for counseling. Not until January 2012 did they decide to evaluate him. They decided that the needed counseling, but didn’t set up the first appointment until March 22.
About two weeks before his first counseling session, he was given a refill on his sleeping aid. He said it looked different, but was told that it was the same thing, just a different manufacturer. He went from bad to worse as soon as he started taking them. He flew into fits of rage that actually made me afraid to leave our daughter alone with him, I had to call people to stay with him a couple times because I was so unsure of his temperament. He was extremely nauseous and couldn’t keep anything down. He also fell in states of depression where he would lay on the couch and not do or say anything. He even admitted that he had suicidal thoughts. I was extremely worried and urged him to call the VA doctor to tell them about these recent side effects. He called but there was no answer so he left a message. He didn’t get a call back.
On March 22, he left for his first counseling session. He came back and seemed tired and quiet, but told me that it had went well, that he thought he could talk to his counselor and get help. I left for work shortly after he got back, feeling hopeful that things were looking up.
When I got home, I knew right away something was wrong. There were no lights on in the house, and I walked up the stairs in the dark, something he knew I didn’t like as the stairs were steep and two stories high. I couldn’t find him or my daughter in the house and ran back and forth from room to room calling for them. I finally called my parents, who lived about two minutes away and asked if they were there for some reason. They told me that Tim had dropped our daughter off several hours earlier asking them to watch her as he had a migraine and wanted to lay down. Feeling slightly relieved but still worried that I didn’t know where Tim was, I headed back outside to go pick up our daughter. It was then I found him. I remember screaming and not even recognizing that it was myself making the noise. The rest of the night is mostly a blur, other than a few images that stick out…. the first EMT arriving and after hurrying to Tim’s side, turning and shaking his head to say there was no hope, my father arriving and asking if I had called Tim’s parents, my friend coming to sit with me while I sat in the police car being questioned, the first thing my mother said to me “don’t you dare follow him”
Tim committed suicide. It is such an ugly word, and in the weeks and months that followed, I have learned to hate it, but there is also a slight defiance in thinking about it. When people hear I’m a military widow, they immediately ask which country he was in, assuming he was KIA. All the forms I had to fill out afterwards where they asked for cause of death, I stumbled every time. It is hard to describe the mix of grief, anger, shame, and guilt that suicide causes, I don’t even think I can properly put it into words. While intellectually I know it wasn’t about me, the heart wonders why our daughter and I weren’t enough. The one thing I will be thankful to him for is that he thought to get our daughter to a safe place first.
Since he’s been gone, I’ve heard countless statistics on military suicides, countless stories of the VA being overworked and understaffed, and countless questions of “how are you” in that slightly pitying way that people have when asking after the death of a loved one. My mother in law wants to make a difference in the system after the loss of her son, to work on making the VA and Navy more efficient with dealing with PTSD as that is who she blames the most. For me, it doesn’t really matter if there is blame or who has the most blame, it will not bring my husband back. For now, all I want to do is concentrate on living and making the best life for my daughter that I can.
There is a quote “Suicide does not end pain, it simply passes it on to the living”, and I quite agree. I have my own counseling sessions now, and my own PTSD and sleeping problems. But that will not stop me from living my life and trying to be happy and enjoy what I can.
When I got home, I knew right away something was wrong. There were no lights on in the house, and I walked up the stairs in the dark…
There Are All Types of Military Widows
Our story started in highschool. My husband and I met after I had invited my friend Mike over for a swim one summer. He asked if he could bring a friend with him, I didn’t know his friend but said alright. From the moment we locked eyes, I felt a connection with Tim. We had a great time that day, and after they left Tim called me and admitted to me that he had asked to come along because he had a crush on me. I had a boyfriend at the time, and Tim had a less than stellar reputation at our school so I was hesitant to start anything serious, and asked if we could just be friends. Things quieted down until after I went to college. I was having lots of trouble with my boyfriend and Tim started spending a lot of time talking on the phone with me and visiting me. We talked so much that my dorm neighbors thought he was my boyfriend! I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend over winter break, and Tim was the first person I called to tell. He came over the next day and we had our first kiss.
Tim was not an overly ambitious scholar and didn’t want to go to college and was having trouble finding a job that kept him interested. He decided to enroll in the army. While he was still talking to a recruiter, his family was dealt a devastating blow in the form of his brother in law being KIA in Afghanistan when his truck drove over a roadside bomb. Tim’s brother in law was the only one killed, leaving behind his wife and 8 month old son. Tim was absolutely crushed but even more determined to enlist in the military. However his family and I were firmly against it. Finally in an issue of compromise, he decided to enlist in the Navy where it would be less likely to see direct action. Boot camp was a hard separation for us, especially waiting for those first letters. It was worth the wait though, because immediately after getting his first duty station assigned, he came home for Christmas and proposed. It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life.
We were married December 29, 2007, right after I graduated college. About six months into our marriage, Tim was assigned a submarine and began to go on deployments. His first six month deployment started shortly before our one year anniversary. Navy deployments are shorter than Army but just as hard because there is less contact. It was mostly just emails unless they stopped at a port and he could call, but email was often down for weeks or months at a time. I remember during one of the times it was down I got so lonely, I went out and bought another cat. He was so mad when he found out!
Then one night I got a call from our phone tree. They told me the sub had been in an accident but there were only minor injuries and there would be a meeting the next morning with more details. I was so scared at the meeting, wondering what they considered minor. They told us the sub had hit another of our ships and had been rolled 85 degrees, but were still operational enough to make into the nearest port. The worst injuries were actually my husband’s, with a mild concussion and bruised tailbone. They had to ride on the surface all the way home, with escorts. I was nervous but extremely relieved that it hadn’t been worse.
He arrived home and life seemed to go on without a hitch. They decided to rebuild the sub and we were told it would at least be a year before they were finished. We decided to try for a baby while we knew he would be home. We tried for almost a year before finally getting the happy news that I was pregnant. At this point they were way behind on the sub repairs and didn’t know when they would get it operational. Tim was so excited about my pregnancy, but so worried too! I had gestational diabetes, as well as a blood condition that made me a higher risk pregnancy so he was constantly worried we would lose her. I gave birth to our daughter on November 11, 2010, and the look on his face as the doctor handed her to Tim is one I will never forget. You could tell it was absolutely love at first sight.
They finally fixed the sub, almost two years after they had ended their last deployment, and were going out for a week long test run. Tim was so scared, he pulled me aside the night before they left to say he had taken out an extra life insurance policy because he was so worried that they wouldn’t come back up. I got a call a week later from him saying to come pick him up, that he was off the submarine for good. During the week deployment, he said he had slept about 8 hrs total, had extreme anxiety and nightmares, and couldn’t eat. He was diagnosed with PTSD, and assigned to a land job while the Navy decided what to do with him.
From the night he came back from that week deployment, he was not the same. He had an extremely hard time sleeping, nightmares, and panic attacks. He was put in therapy and it seemed like they assigned a new sleep medication every week for him to try. He was moody, more prone to fits of anger, and seemed to draw more into himself. He had always been one of those people that seem always happy and was friends with everyone, but he became quieter and more likely to sit around and play video games for hours on end, not really talking to anybody. They ended up putting him on a narcotic sleep aid for almost three months (we found out later, it’s only recommended for up to two weeks tops). And the Navy finally decided to temporarily retire him. Basically he was retired, but they had the right to evaluate him every six months and could pull him back into active duty at any time. He was given a class on resume writing and let go in August 2011.
Being let go, even though he said that’s what he wanted, seemed to make it worse. His mood swings got worse, and he starting sleeping in a different room in order to not wake me up several times a night. He contacted the VA, but other than refilling his prescriptions, they didn’t do anything for counseling. Not until January 2012 did they decide to evaluate him. They decided that the needed counseling, but didn’t set up the first appointment until March 22.
About two weeks before his first counseling session, he was given a refill on his sleeping aid. He said it looked different, but was told that it was the same thing, just a different manufacturer. He went from bad to worse as soon as he started taking them. He flew into fits of rage that actually made me afraid to leave our daughter alone with him, I had to call people to stay with him a couple times because I was so unsure of his temperament. He was extremely nauseous and couldn’t keep anything down. He also fell in states of depression where he would lay on the couch and not do or say anything. He even admitted that he had suicidal thoughts. I was extremely worried and urged him to call the VA doctor to tell them about these recent side effects. He called but there was no answer so he left a message. He didn’t get a call back.
On March 22, he left for his first counseling session. He came back and seemed tired and quiet, but told me that it had went well, that he thought he could talk to his counselor and get help. I left for work shortly after he got back, feeling hopeful that things were looking up.
When I got home, I knew right away something was wrong. There were no lights on in the house, and I walked up the stairs in the dark, something he knew I didn’t like as the stairs were steep and two stories high. I couldn’t find him or my daughter in the house and ran back and forth from room to room calling for them. I finally called my parents, who lived about two minutes away and asked if they were there for some reason. They told me that Tim had dropped our daughter off several hours earlier asking them to watch her as he had a migraine and wanted to lay down. Feeling slightly relieved but still worried that I didn’t know where Tim was, I headed back outside to go pick up our daughter. It was then I found him. I remember screaming and not even recognizing that it was myself making the noise. The rest of the night is mostly a blur, other than a few images that stick out…. the first EMT arriving and after hurrying to Tim’s side, turning and shaking his head to say there was no hope, my father arriving and asking if I had called Tim’s parents, my friend coming to sit with me while I sat in the police car being questioned, the first thing my mother said to me “don’t you dare follow him”
Tim committed suicide. It is such an ugly word, and in the weeks and months that followed, I have learned to hate it, but there is also a slight defiance in thinking about it. When people hear I’m a military widow, they immediately ask which country he was in, assuming he was KIA. All the forms I had to fill out afterwards where they asked for cause of death, I stumbled every time. It is hard to describe the mix of grief, anger, shame, and guilt that suicide causes, I don’t even think I can properly put it into words. While intellectually I know it wasn’t about me, the heart wonders why our daughter and I weren’t enough. The one thing I will be thankful to him for is that he thought to get our daughter to a safe place first.
Since he’s been gone, I’ve heard countless statistics on military suicides, countless stories of the VA being overworked and understaffed, and countless questions of “how are you” in that slightly pitying way that people have when asking after the death of a loved one. My mother in law wants to make a difference in the system after the loss of her son, to work on making the VA and Navy more efficient with dealing with PTSD as that is who she blames the most. For me, it doesn’t really matter if there is blame or who has the most blame, it will not bring my husband back. For now, all I want to do is concentrate on living and making the best life for my daughter that I can.
There is a quote “Suicide does not end pain, it simply passes it on to the living”, and I quite agree. I have my own counseling sessions now, and my own PTSD and sleeping problems. But that will not stop me from living my life and trying to be happy and enjoy what I can.
11 thoughts on “There Are All Types of Military Widows”
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My father was a WWll vet and though he never committed suicide when he came back from the Pacific, everyone that knew him said he wasn’t the same person when he came home. He and my mother had three more kids (myself being the last) before he just left home. No warning, no reason. Fortunately my paternal grandparents stepped in & kept us so my mother could get a job. War really is hell & most military men won’t talk about things they endured. You seem like a very positive person and I know that bodes well for your daughter. God bless you. You are in my prayers.
Megan, I am so very sorry for your loss…it sems more and more I hear of our miltry men not getting the treatment they need…over worked is not good enough for me. I too lost my husband. It will be 2 1/2 years next month, but it often feels like yesterday. You are not alone…email me if you like dllong3@fidnet.com.
Our stories are very similar. I’m so sorry you had to experience this pain. It’s a loss only few can understand and it is so difficult to explain to those who haven’t lived it. I’m glad you found the AWP, that you are seeking counseling and that you and your little one are safe. Bless you and thanks for sharing your story.
Megan,
Your story made me cry! I am so sorry for your loss, but in many ways, I can relate, which is something I don’t get much of, in spite of the fact that I live in a hugely military community. Although my husband had not been in the military for many years, his PTSD finally was what killed him, what made him too, turn to suicide. I can relate to the problems with the VA as my husband suffered from back pain for 30 years and although he had several surgeries over the years, they never really got rid of the pain that he suffered while he was in EOD training.
You are much stronger than I am. His anniversary is coming up and I am literally back to a year ago and have no idea how to get through this month. I try to stay positive, and try to keep our blended family’s kids positive but it’s not easy.
I commend you and pray for you. Thank you for sharing and feel free to contact me( kmiles0804@gmail) if you want to talk!!
I had a patient at Moncrief hospital Ft Jackson. She was a recent widow. (Husband suicide) She had never heard about AWP. Our hospital chaplain spoke to her and we gave her the link to this great organization.
Please keep up the good work!
We have a good friend in Columbia named Taryn Davis and I have told her about AWP founder with the same name.
Megan, I found your story will enlisting on Twitter. I am so very sorry for your loss and for what you have had to go through. I am the widow of an Army retiree to whom I was married for 35 years. Was your husband receiving VA disability for his PTSD? If so, do you qualify for VA Benefits? Many women do not know what their benefits are. Are you familiar with the organization Gold Star Wives of America which is made up of military widows? It does not have to be an active duty death to qualify for benefits, but the service member does have to have been 100 o/o totally and permanently disabled by the VA. I have heard many stories of women being denied benefits by the VA when they do in fact deserve them. I wish you blessings, Sandy
Hi Megan,
Sorry for your loss..I am in the same boat. My husband passed 3 years ago on active duty and I have our 4 year old child, who is a blessing. I am trying to find another widow who is in my shoes to ask regarding the SBP benefit we receive. I am in the process of filling out my paperwork for that and unsure whether to elect Spouse/Child option or Child only option. I know we get more if we elect child only but it ends at 18 or 22. The SSIA entitlement has not been extended passed year 2017 so there is no way to know if that will be there. What did you elect and why?? I need advice from someone else (another widow)…thank you so much and take care.
Megan, your story is my story. I’m so sad for all of us who have been through this. Our vets are finally at peace. But I too am left wondering if I could have done one more thing, fought with one more official to get him help, or demanded harder. It’s almost a year for me and I wonder when it gets easier, but I’m glad I’m not alone.
Sandra,
He had just received his VA rating about a week before he passed. My daughter and I are receiving DIC and Social Security, and I get SBP as well, and they are currently looking at whether I can claim a life insurance policy payout. They said he was automatically entered into the policy when they made his rating. Not sure if we’ll get that yet, but the lady I talked to seemed to think it was about 95% that I will. I have not heard of the Gold Star Wives of America, I will look them up now. I had only recently found TAPS and AWP so I’m slowly reaching out more.
Hi Karen,
I’m so sorry we are in similar situations, it’s not one I ever thought I would have to be in, as I’m sure you didn’t either. I’m not sure how strong I’m being lately, the one year anniversary is in a couple days and I’m having a rough time trying to deal with it.
Megan i have a very similar story as your, right now am very sad am with three kids but no husband, i felt like my lost was just yesterday, my husband’s family have rejected my children and i and also deprive as of our rights, the oldest among them is 9 yrs. am very lonely, sad and measurable. do not know what to do i need someone to talk to. please anyone can write to me on maybelsimsons@live.com. bye.