I’m at the end now. There is no where else to go. I’ve finally reached out my hand for help after 7 years of grief. My world literally ended the day the Chaplain came to my door to inform me of the death of my husband. This man had been my life for 17 wonderful years.
I was in shock for a couple of years. I did not allow myself to grieve. But I was strong. That’s what I was told over and over until I convinced myself that I could handle this grief alone. Sadly also I was always one step not behind but ahead of support or help for widows.
We left Ft Carson when they had begun building a wonderful support group. We arrived at Ft Knox but the nearest group was in Ft Campbell. Then by the time they started one on Knox we moved to SD where I was literally alone.
By that time I was in this downward spiral with no control, no direction, no support. I ended feeling so lost and alone. But during all this time I kept up the facade of being strong and ok, for my children. I knew that as long as they were ok that everything was ok.
Now here I am, not suicidal but caught in the very deepest darkest grips of years of depression. I’ve isolated myself, I’ve made bad choices and I’m completely lost.
I finally reached out to a counselor at a nearby Veterans Center. I knew if I didn’t take that first difficult baby step that things would not end well for me. Basically she said that I am at a crossroads right now and that I have a choice to make. I understand this and that’s easy for her to say but I’m the one here alone and scared and unable to think or decide anything.
I wish that I had never lost my husband but I have and I wish that I had received or reached for help and support before now but I hadn’t. So here I am, somehow I was blessed to find this site from a link on another widows FB post.
Thank you for allowing me to share something that I have kept locked away for years.
There is no where else to go. I’ve finally reached out my hand for help after 7 years of grief. My world literally ended the day the Chaplain came to my door…
The End
I’m at the end now. There is no where else to go. I’ve finally reached out my hand for help after 7 years of grief. My world literally ended the day the Chaplain came to my door to inform me of the death of my husband. This man had been my life for 17 wonderful years.
I was in shock for a couple of years. I did not allow myself to grieve. But I was strong. That’s what I was told over and over until I convinced myself that I could handle this grief alone. Sadly also I was always one step not behind but ahead of support or help for widows.
We left Ft Carson when they had begun building a wonderful support group. We arrived at Ft Knox but the nearest group was in Ft Campbell. Then by the time they started one on Knox we moved to SD where I was literally alone.
By that time I was in this downward spiral with no control, no direction, no support. I ended feeling so lost and alone. But during all this time I kept up the facade of being strong and ok, for my children. I knew that as long as they were ok that everything was ok.
Now here I am, not suicidal but caught in the very deepest darkest grips of years of depression. I’ve isolated myself, I’ve made bad choices and I’m completely lost.
I finally reached out to a counselor at a nearby Veterans Center. I knew if I didn’t take that first difficult baby step that things would not end well for me. Basically she said that I am at a crossroads right now and that I have a choice to make. I understand this and that’s easy for her to say but I’m the one here alone and scared and unable to think or decide anything.
I wish that I had never lost my husband but I have and I wish that I had received or reached for help and support before now but I hadn’t. So here I am, somehow I was blessed to find this site from a link on another widows FB post.
Thank you for allowing me to share something that I have kept locked away for years.
4 thoughts on “The End”
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Please know there are people praying for you at this very moment. Please believe that GOD knows your pain and is looking for you to look to himf or guidance in his word. The answers and the peace seek is there to find.
We are here for you. He promised that he would love you for the rest of his life, and kept that promise
Reading your process of grief reminded me of everything I have been going through. It not easy, but you did the right thing by talking to a counselor. I was also in shock and in denial for almost 2 years after my husband was killed in action in Afghanistan. I isolated myself for a very long time because facing reality would be more painful and I also felt like I was alone in my pain and that nobody would understand me. My first attempt to talk to a counselor was after my 2 year mark when I knew I needed help. Unfortunately, I didn’t connect with the person I was assigned to by the military or maybe it wan’t my time. I had known about this organization a few months after my husband passed away, but I never had called in to any of their events until after going to counseling. I was lucky enough to be chosen for one of their events and that was my first initial contact with another military widow. I remember thinking to myself why didn’t I signed up for this along time ago, but everyone grief’s differently and maybe I just wasn’t ready for it. It’s now been almost 5 years since my husband passed away and I had to hit rock bottom in order for me to realize that I really needed to talk to a professional (again), but this time around I was ready to listen to what they had to say and I was willing to share my story. Every day is a battle, but I feel like we are here for a purpose. Allow yourself the opportunity to live again. I know it’s easier said than done, but life does go on. If you haven’t done so, I would recommend for you to attend one of the retreats offer by the AWP. You won’t regret it. I hope my story helps you in some way. God bless.
Praying for you… the only place to go from here is up!