I have tried to write this numerous times just to myself over the years and have never found the nerve or the words to do it as I never really knew how to start it. My husband and I met after I had got out of the Army and worked in the same hangar. I worked as a civilian that supported their unit’s helicopters and he was a UH-60 crewchief that always caught my eye with his dear and sincere heart of helping everyone. I would never have guessed that he was fighting a disease inside that is hard to spot by almost anyone. He had been to Iraq in the war and brought back something that no one knew of.. post traumatic stress disorder. The war did some damage to him that he would never talk about and always veered away from talking about it when asked. It never clicked what it really was doing to him or what it did to him deep inside. He seen so much death and broken and torn bodies that it injured him inside. He had to go into the war zones to retrieve soldiers that were hurt/injured as they were supporting a medivac unit while at war… so here is my story.
Matt was a wonderful man full of life always smiling and connect very tightly with his family. We had a short courtship and connected so quickly and life seemed perfect. We a short time later got engaged and married that following Valentine’s day. We both had different ideas of weddings so we thought why not have two, one military style and then renew our vows later with a big ceremony that I wanted. It would give us both what we wanted and would could be together just as we wanted it. Over the next few months our lives seemed perfect, loving and supporting each other very dearly. We couldn’t be happier and he loved my daughter as if she was his own. We even talked of having our own and he wanted one so dearly so we started trying, unknown of what the future had in store for us and how it all would come out we jumped in feet first.
We started talking about Easter as it came upon us and he put in asking for leave to go home to visit my family and surprise my mom for her birthday. His unit denied his leave because the president was coming into town and they needed help watching his ranch, his unit supported the President on almost all of his missions. So Matt told me to go on my vacation, visit with my family and surprise my mom as planned he would work and see my a few days later…. though I never did again.
We talked every day while I was gone telling each other that we missed and loved each other dearly as everything seemed normal. Easter Sunday came and something happened, it all ended he called me frantic and not himself. I tried to calm him and did twice but the third time there was no chance. He called and the call lasted 3 minutes and 45 seconds, and he was gone.. he told me he loved my daughter and I, and that he would miss us… then the gun went off and he was gone. My world came crashing down and it was over. I was out of state and could not rush home so I called a friend to check on him and they called the cops. I got the news an hour later and everyone blamed me saying that I killed him. I started to believe them for a long time and went into a deep depression, abusing alcohol and living a very unhealthy lifestyle. I did not know where to turn, I was a widow at 23 felt alone with no friends and no family nearby I was lost in a huge world. I cried for months and even tried to end my life because of the letters and emails that I got from people blaming me, it hurt so bad and cut really deep. My life never hurt so bad until those days. He had committed suicide on the couch we made love on numerous times in front of the fireplace, in the house I called home. I couldn’t go back to it and couldn’t go on with life at work. It hurt so bad being there and not seeing him.
Everything was a blur for months after that, only to find out that we were pregnant and lost it in the midst of the depression. Its been 4 years and life is still hard, but I can finally talk about it and know that it hurts but that I am ok. I still love and miss him but life goes on and one day I will see him again.