It’s July 2008. Sean was killed in January 2007. 18 months! Wow … I can’t believe it’s been 18 months, and he was deployed for 5 prior to the day he was killed. Yes, killed, No, he did not just die.
So 23 months without him…
God I miss him.

I go out into my garage every day; I see his Hayabusa motorcycle still there – and I remember the conversation we had standing beside it; about whether or not to do the tune up that was due ‘now’ or when he got home from deployment. We decided to do it later; since the bike would sit for 12 months. Then I look to the corner opposite of where the bike lives … and I see my 14 boxes- well 12 now that I’ve finally managed to go through 2 of them. They are still full, with his clothes, uniforms, letters, tea and other snacks he didn’t eat including chocolates I sent him. He always savored chocolates. A bar of chocolate would last him 3+ years. How? I still don’t know, I figure it’s because he’s not a woman.

I keep telling myself I need to ‘go through’ his boxes still. I hastily went through them when I received them, On Valentines Day back in 2007… but I never ‘really’ went through them. I grabbed the essentials: the lap top to see what I could find. I found a file titled “send to Csilla” with the song from Lone Star “Amazed” and another song titled “I wanna grow old with you”- I never found the pictures I sent him – I guess the deleted those, just in case I wasn’t his wife and would find the pictures as a grieving widow … and worry that he cheated on me. Who gave them the right to delete shit off my husband’s computer anyway!? That’s what I wanna know, and who the hell thought it was a great idea to send home his laundry all CLEAN and smelling like Tide?! Do they not have a single functioning brain cell in their heads? I had given Sean a book, or a Journal rather, called “from a Father’s heart” and he was to write things in it. It prompts you to talk about your childhood, your family, and all kinds of things.I pray that he wrote in it, but I don’t know. I have not gone through there enough to find out – I have not found the book yet.

I remember him being in his barracks at Fort Hood where he had climbed into one of his black boxes – I fit and had extra space, and joked about how he could take me (and Zack) and he could just hide us the entire time…. just ship us on one of you boxes with your stuff… and we’ll see you over there.

I guess at this point I’m rambling…. I should go through his stuff… but I wonder what that would mean? Instead, I take out one or two things that I ‘need’ at that moment and figure eventually they will empty themselves in time.