I received the autopsy report on March 18, 2007, exactly three months after my husband was killed. The autopsy comes in a FedEx envelope. Then, there is a manila envelope inside of that one with a warning taped to it:
WARNING: The information in the enclosed report is graphically described for complete accuracy in the physical details of the remains of
SSG Brian Lee Mintzlaff
It is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED that you read this in the presence of people that can provide you with emotional support during this time, such as your minister, a family friend, or a counselor.
I ignored this warning. What business of anyone else’s could this be other than mine? No, my husband deserved for me to read through these details alone. He lived them. As much as he tried to shelter me from all the shit he lived through—this was the last story. This was it—his last moments. Even though he was dead, I couldn’t leave him alone as the only one who ever knew all of this. And I sure as hell couldn’t allow someone else to be the recipient of all the intimate details of his death. At that moment, I became the keeper of these details.
Even though the Army would not let me view my husband’s body, I will forever know the exact injuries that he sustained. The exact measurements of every contusion, laceration, and abrasion that hurt my baby’s skin. From this moment on, I am able to close my eyes and know which of his strong bones were shattered, which ones were fractured, and I am able to imagine the intense severity of the pain that he must have felt as a result of these injuries.
I am left to wonder how these injuries were sustained and I am left with so many questions unanswered.
For me, there wasn’t a choice. I had to read it. I had to know. But most of the time, I wish I could forget.
Story Categories - The 1st Year
The Timeline
1.Your spouse will depart Iraq and fly into Dover Port Mortuary, located at Dover A.F.B, Dover, Deleware.
* They will be escorted the whole trip over
* Typically takes 2 to 3 days but can be up to a week
* As soon as your spouse is on the inbound list you will be notified
2. Your loved one will arrive at Dover, Deleware and is ceremonially transported into the facility.
* You can be there to view the ceremony but make sure to coordinate this with you C.A.O. beforehand.
3. Autopsy and Preparation
* This was one of the hardest steps for me. You can not choose for them to forgo the autopsy. Below there may be things hard to read or you can just skip over them if you like...
* This usually will take 2 to 3 days
* Your spouse will be identified via fingerprints, DNA or dental
* You can request an autopsy report if you would like
* The condition of his body will be reported to you as well as his viewability
* From there you will make your decisions on funeral homes, cremation, etc.
* You can have their remains cremated at Dover if wanted
* Remember that you have as long as needed to make these decisions
* At this point an escort from your spouse's home unit will escort them home. You can also escort them or make a special request. Don't be afraid to ask.
* Your spouse will arrive embalmed and dressed in their Class A uniform (unless you specify otherwise) and placed in the casket of your choice (or if cremated, urn). Your C.A.O. can coordinate any other clothing to be sent to Dover.
* Good job! Once you've made these decisions you have put alot behind you.
4. They will be flown from Dover to your location of choice.
* Your loved one can fly either commercial or military aircraft, whichever you desire. Let your C.A.O. know which you would prefer and remember never to feel obligated to do one or the other.
* Whoever has been chosen to escort your spouse will carry any of their posthumous awards as well as any sentimental effects they had on them at their time of death.
5. Your spouse will arrive at the funeral home of your choice.
* Once they have arrived final planning can be conducted for their ceremony.
6. The Ceremony
* Hopefully all else has gone well up to this point. Just remember to breathe.
* They will be escorted the whole trip over
* Typically takes 2 to 3 days but can be up to a week
* As soon as your spouse is on the inbound list you will be notified
2. Your loved one will arrive at Dover, Deleware and is ceremonially transported into the facility.
* You can be there to view the ceremony but make sure to coordinate this with you C.A.O. beforehand.
3. Autopsy and Preparation
* This was one of the hardest steps for me. You can not choose for them to forgo the autopsy. Below there may be things hard to read or you can just skip over them if you like...
* This usually will take 2 to 3 days
* Your spouse will be identified via fingerprints, DNA or dental
* You can request an autopsy report if you would like
* The condition of his body will be reported to you as well as his viewability
* From there you will make your decisions on funeral homes, cremation, etc.
* You can have their remains cremated at Dover if wanted
* Remember that you have as long as needed to make these decisions
* At this point an escort from your spouse's home unit will escort them home. You can also escort them or make a special request. Don't be afraid to ask.
* Your spouse will arrive embalmed and dressed in their Class A uniform (unless you specify otherwise) and placed in the casket of your choice (or if cremated, urn). Your C.A.O. can coordinate any other clothing to be sent to Dover.
* Good job! Once you've made these decisions you have put alot behind you.
4. They will be flown from Dover to your location of choice.
* Your loved one can fly either commercial or military aircraft, whichever you desire. Let your C.A.O. know which you would prefer and remember never to feel obligated to do one or the other.
* Whoever has been chosen to escort your spouse will carry any of their posthumous awards as well as any sentimental effects they had on them at their time of death.
5. Your spouse will arrive at the funeral home of your choice.
* Once they have arrived final planning can be conducted for their ceremony.
6. The Ceremony
* Hopefully all else has gone well up to this point. Just remember to breathe.
Things You Should Know…to Survive
Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here are 10 things you need to know if you are to survive.
1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.
“He would want you to find a new man.” Hmmm… On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.
“I understand. I’m divorced.” Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn’t the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.
2. Expect to be asked out—by your husband’s best friend.
3. Expect to be asked, “Do you masturbate?” by your best friend.
4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it—at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.
5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can’t do it any more.
6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don’t belong.
Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.
7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.
8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.
9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.
10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date—with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become miniscule.
11. Expect to wish you were dead.
12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.
13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn’t I have died first?
14. Expect to make plans to run away.
15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.
16. Expect to kiss a fool.
17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn’t.
18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.
19. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.
20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.
21. Expect to not sleep.
22. Expect to not focus.
23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.
24. Expect to eat too much.
25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn’t want to eat chocolate!
26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.
27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It’s just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.
28. Expect to forgive yourself.
Okay. That’s it. And now I know what you’re thinking – She’s listed more than ten things.
But to make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.
Expect the unexpected.
And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again.
Source: http://www.griefcase.net