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Story Categories - The 1st Year

See ya’ in 7 Months…

My best friend, Kelsey, and her husband Nathan were to be stationed in Hawaii in May of 2009, so they decided I needed to meet someone so when I came to visit them, so I wouldn’t be lonely. In January 2009 while Nathan was in Iraq, he told 3 different guys about me and only one showed interest. That man was Curtis Michael Swenson and he stole my heart in the first four hours we ever talked (but he didn’t know that at the time). We gained a relationship over the next couple of months and decided that we couldn’t wait to see each other in June. March rolled around and Curtis’s unit got back from Iraq, so Kelsey and I decided we had to go to Hawaii to see Nathan & Curtis. smile

I spent a week in Hawaii with him and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man!!! I had never felt that way about anyone and loved spending what time I had with him. At the end of March, he took Post deployment leave and went home to Minnesota to visit his family, but 4 of those days he came and saw me in Indiana. We were still “friends” at this point and he didn’t really want to make the commitment with having one more deployment and all. The day he left Indiana he gave me the quickest hug ever and told me bye…..he didn’t talk to me the next day, so at this point I was really upset and had no idea what had happened. On April 4, 2009 I got a phone call from him asking if I would be his girlfriend! “REALLY?!” was all I could say to him. ( haha). But of course I accepted and couldn’t wait for his return in June!!

June finally rolled around and I went to Hawaii again and spent 3 of the most amazing weeks of my life with him. While there, everyone kept saying we should just get married and I should move out there, but I was in school and we didn’t think we were ready for marriage yet. The next few months went by and we webcammed, texted, called everyday and were going nuts without each other. One day, in August of 2009, we were webcamming and he said we should just get married and me move out here…I was more surprised then anything but this was what i had been waiting for since June smile. So that’s just what I did, I packed up, moved to Hawaii and on August 26th, I became Mrs. Katie Swenson.

He deployed November 19, 2009, We were in the parking lot with all our friends, giving the last kisses and hugs goodbye for the next 7 months. All my friends were scared to death and a couple were crying, but I told them everything was going to be fine. The last thing Curtis said to me that day was “See ya’ in 7 months.” So I had complete faith that come June 2010, we would all be together in the hangar, waiting for our husband’s arrival.

But little did I know…

April 2, 2010 I was going with a friend to get pedicures and watch “The Last Song”. Curtis’s sister texted me and asked what I was doing..so I replied “At Walmart”, and she asked if my mom was with me & I automatically knew something had happened to Curtis. At this point I was freaking out. I got to my friends truck and Curtis’s mom called me. She said Curtis was killed. It was the day after April fools day so in my mind I’m like “Please tell me this is a really really bad joke.” I finally got to my dad’s house and there were 2 marines waiting to give me the news that my husband would never be home again.

Curtis was the man I saw myself with forever. It’s crazy to me how you think you’ve found everything you ever wanted and it can just get taken away like that. I miss him more everyday and wish it was all a dream. Its been over a year since it happened and Im very proud of myself for how strong I have been & I hope he is just as proud!
<3 CMS

My Advice For the First Year

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things that work for me in this whole “moving on” process and I wanted to share. I feel I’ve done an ok job with handling it. Due partly to the fact that a lot of these skills were learned while he was injured. Things weren’t easy then either. It has to be harder for widows who really never had to experience pain or really, really tough times with their spouse. So, I’m going to share some of the things I’ve learned really help me get through.

-Pace yourself in everything. Don’t make any hasty decisions. Our minds are all over the place. We may want something one day, then have no interest in it the next. Make sure each decision is very thought out.

-Count your blessings.

-Invest and budget. Spending a ton of money may make you feel better now, but you will regret it in the end.

-Keep your closest friends and family very close. You will need them to pry you off the floor. Probably more than once.

-Choose your friends wisely. You’re fragile. This is prime bad decision making time.

-You’re going to make some mistakes in different areas of your life. Forgive yourself and use those to make better decisions in the future.

-Make your environment pleasant. Your house, your city, everything. Your surroundings WILL effect your mood.

-Get as much of the outdoors as possible. Sunshine will greatly improve your mood. If it’s a cloudy day, take a bath and read a good, happy book like the “Happiness Project”.

-Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t allow it to consume you. What works for me is setting aside time slots. During that time I look at pictures, I cry, I think about him, and then when my time is up I get back to my day.

-Exercise. I struggle with this, but when I do it I feel SO much better.

-On the flip side….indulge in good food. This could be a totally personal thing, but something about REALLY good food makes me very happy. Take your girlfriend to a really nice restaraunt. Wear a dress. And enjoy.

-Be careful in relationships. Take things slow. I recommend starting out as friends. Just hang out and have fun. Make sure they know where you’re at with all of “this”. If things start to grow into a relationship… baby steps. There is no rush. If you go too fast you are risking a nasty rebound relationship and potential nasty breakup. I mean really… do we need that right now? And… there is no reason to feel guilty. Meeting someone else does not make you love your husband less. Sadly, he is gone. And we have two choices. We can either move on or die with them. Which would he want you to choose?

-Do something you’ve always wanted to do but never got around to.

-Take a vacation with a good friend. Even just a girls night on the town can do the trick!

-Listen to music that inspires you. Pandora.com has been a good friend of mine.

-Don’t beat yourself up if it’s taking you longer than normal to do daily tasks. It’s ok. If you are having a really difficult time getting things done, ask someone for help. People want to help you.

-Do not give yourself a time-line for your grief. Let it play out on it’s own.

-Pamper yourself. Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Even if you just have an at home spa day.

-Do something for someone else. Sometimes the best medicine is doing something for someone else. Maybe volunteer somewhere.

-Don’t drink too much. I made this mistake at first. Drinking has never done anything for me but drown the pain for a night then give me a hangover. Drinking too much is going to take you down a very long, painful road. I’m not saying you can’t have a few drinks with friends, just make sure you have control. Let your friends know if you think you may have a problem. They will help you.

-Love yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to move on. He would want the same. You know he would.

Spigot

I only recently found this site. I was looking online for solace, an outlet, anything. Eventually I stumbled here. I hope that this helps me, because God I need help.

I was 24 with an 11 month old daughter and another baby due four months later when the knock came. My husband had died in Kuwait only hours after his boots hit the ground and only an hour after he called me. A heart attack related to medical malpractice and a blood clot from the plane ride in claimed my husband. He was on an ER table nearly instantly, but nothing could be done. He was gone immediately and our lives changed irrevocably. Unbeknownst to me. I was busy sending photos of our daughter learning to walk at his mother’s house.

As I’m sure you all know, the next days and weeks were a blur that you only remember pieces of, and those all too clearly. You say things you don’t mean and arrange for things that seem bizarre later. The world somehow has the audacity to continue turning.

In all this time, I cried only once.

Fast forward to now. My daughters are 17 months, and nine weeks respectively. I have a new apartment, a new family dynamic and a new title. my friends are scattered across the world and at a loss about how to help anyway. My contact with the Gold Star world consists of just my doula who lost a step daughter in 2005. She has been a lot of help, but even she is starting to be freaked out.

You see, until now I haven’t had a chance to break down. I had too much vital stuff to do. A toddler, an infant,  a household… the list goes on. But I was out of town this week, and I left my older daughter home. I brought someone with me to help with the baby. Suddenly, I had time.

It was awful. The spout opened and I think it may never shut off. I feel crushed under the weight of this. I’m on zoloft and ambien, being seen by a psychologist and psychiatrist (I’ve done all of this since the beginning). Now I’m having panic attacks. I’m overwhelmed. I constantly have that feeling you get when you drink an energy drink and crash. I can’t find my keys. I lost two baby blankets and a bib. I want to throw up all the time, and in the midst of an attack I’m afraid to get help because I irrationally think (only in the moment) that someone will take my girls away if I do.

Someone help me. For the love of God, something has got to give.

My Whirlwind Ride Over 6 months on this Journey!

I met my husband, Jonathan, when I was coming out of my first marriage. A friend had taken me out for my birthday, and I saw this guy sitting at a table across from us holding a neon green, and yes I am serious, piece of paper that said HI on it. He came over and we started talking…. Right away, there was something about him that had me head over heels for him. I couldn’t place it then, but I can now. He was so out going and caring, the life of the party. He made me smile when I wanted to pull my hair out! We got married about 9 months after meeting, and he fought so hard to gain sponsorship of my son from my previous marriage, so that the Army would recognize my son as Jonathan’s child. (I had a son from my previous marriage.) I gave birth to our daughter 6 months after we were married. And 3 months after that, he deployed to Iraq with a Stryker Brigade for the 15 mo Surge. He told me he would be back with us in no time. I prayed every night that he would be. There were many close calls, but thankfully he came home. We PCS-ed to Ft Carson, shortly after he came home. Jonathan was with us in Ft Carson for 10 months before he deployed to Afghanistan. Prior to him leaving, we had our 3rd child, our daughter, 3 months before. He knew this deployment was going to be different. I thought it was just because I was so sick, and the Dr’s weren’t sure what was going on. But Jonathan knew this was the deployment that he wouldn’t come home from.

On August 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am, my husband along with another soldier were killed when a pressure plate for an IED was detonated. The love of my life, the man I had found when I had given up all hope. The man that took my son in, and made my son his son… was taken from us in the blink of an eye….. I am 6 months, 18 days, and 8 hrs and 12 min into this, and it’s been one hell of a ride…. After my husband deployed, I was in and out of the hospital. Which wasn’t normal for me at the age of 27. I lost all my hair (I was Mr. Clean bald) but he still thought I was the most beautiful woman on earth…. He died never knowing what was wrong with me. Two weeks ago, I had a hysterectomy, because I had cancer. The one thing he always thought was going to happen. Only he feared I wouldn’t make it. I have loved and lost the most wonderful husband and father. A part of myself died the day Jonathan did….. And I wondered how I would continue my life, knowing he was never coming home to me again. But he gives me strength everyday to face everything I have gone through the last 6 months. I will always love him, and he will always have the biggest place in my heart. He knew he wasn’t coming back from this deployment. But I always thought he was invincible and nothing could take him away from me. But I’ve learned not to take things for granted. I have 3 beautiful kids, our wish was to have 4, but it didn’t work out for either of us. But at least we were blessed with 3 precious kids. He will always be my strength, and he will forever live on in the eyes of our children and I.

Holding On

I cannot recall most of the day before it happened or much about the days leading up to the accident.  My husband, Lt. Bret Travis Miller USN, was supposed to land from a routine training flight at 3:30 on October 28th, 2009.  He usually turned his phone on after he landed, so about 3:45 I started to call him.  I figured he would be home by 5:00 and I wanted to start dinner.  I had gone to the grocery store and bought fish and chicken and I wanted to know which one he was going to want for dinner.  I kept calling his phone back every 15 minutes or so and straight to voice-mail.  “Well, maybe he took off late; I’ll just start the chicken.”  My grandmother was in town and was watching something on the TV and a segment for the 5:00 news came on and I heard something about a plane making an emergency landing.  I went to the TV and rewound it and saw it was a private plane and no one was hurt.  The probably would have more about it online, so I pulled up our local news website and there is the bright red box, “Breaking News: Coast Guard reports a T-34 is missing over the Gulf of Mexico.”  My hands started to shake, it couldn’t possibly be Bret.  I called my best friend, whose husband was also in Bret’s squadron, and she hadn’t heard anything, but her husband was at work and she would call him and see if he had heard anything.  She called back a few seconds later and said that he didn’t answer his phone.  What to do next, call someone else?  Should I call the squadron, it had been almost an hour by now since he was supposed to land, but I didn’t want to be the crazy wife calling the squadron to check on her husband.  After about 10 minutes of contemplation, I called and the sweetest lady answered. “Hi, this is Lt. Miller’s wife; may I speak with the ODO?”  “Yes ma’am, just a moment please.”  She came back on the phone about 30 seconds later and said it would be just a minute or two.  When the line picked back up the man on the other end identified himself as Bret’s executive officer, I fell to my knees and yelled that I didn’t want to talk to him.  He informed me that they had lost radar contact with his plane about 3:20 and had no other information at this time, besides they had a lot of planes out looking along with the Cost Guard and a representative from the squadron is on his way over.  I hung up the phone and just stood there, what was I supposed to do next?  I just stood there and stood there when our 2 ½ year old son came into the room, that is when I realized I needed to focus on the best possible outcomes and not the worse.  He can bail out of the plane, they wear a parachute, the water in the gulf is warm, and the plane has a tracking device.  I called back my best friend from Bret’s squadron and told her that it was Bret’s plane; the rest of the conversation is a blank in my mind as is what happened up until the time when the representative from the squadron came with my best friend.  He explained that again they had no information and asked if I had any questions, but all I could think is “What questions am I supposed to have?”  I don’t remember who told me or when I was told, but Bret’s plane locator was not working.  Everyone that could was out looking and searching a big area, but had no idea where the plane could be, all they had to go on was where they lost radar contact.  Again, I don’t remember much of the rest of the day.  A couple of friends from the squadron were at the house with me waiting on word.  As the hours past, my heart began to sink with thoughts of what this could really mean.  Early the next morning the call came in that representatives from the squadron were on their way to make an official missing person notification.  They showed up just like something out of a movie.  They walked in my house in full uniform and removed their covers and asked me to sit down.  They went through the official notification and that they still had no new information.  I began at this time to start to lose the facade I was putting on, that I was handling this ok.  I locked myself in the bathroom and let it all go.  That is when the Braxton hick’s contractions started.  Yes, I was almost five months pregnant at the time.  We had just found out two days prior that we were having another boy.  How could all of this really be happening, that thought crossed my mind every few minutes.  The rest of the day passed with making plans for his parents and my mom to arrive the following day and no new information about Bret, his co-pilot, or the plane.  It is now Friday October 30th, the arrival of his parents and my mom are a complete blur and is most of the day.  I can just remember how hard it was when family started to arrive.  We had been told that we would be briefed by the Coast Guard at 3:30 on base.  Bret’s CO had been out of town when this all happened and had got back into town on Thursday and was going to pick us up and take us over to base for the briefing.  Sometime close to when we were supposed to leave someone had called and told us that the briefing had been cancelled, but they were going to have a candle light vigil for Bret and his co-pilot at the chapel on base and the CO was still going to take us.  I heard the door bell ring and was in my room and grabbed my purse and coat and walked out and saw my worst nightmare standing in front of me.  There stood Bret’s CO and the squadron CACO in full uniform.  They asked me to sit down and you can imagine what happened after that.  They told me that the Coast Guard received a call from a floating oil rig that had spotted something in the water.  They explained that they identified him by his name tag on his flight suit and it was Bret.  My world fell apart, but at the same time it did not seem real.  The thoughts that went through my mind were all over the place and there were hundreds of them.  Once I settled down and began to clear my mind, I realized that in this situation I should be thankful that Bret was found.  There still was no sign of Bret’s co-pilot or the plane.  The plane, with his co-pilot still inside, was found three weeks later.

The next day we began preparing for a memorial on base and a funeral back home in Wisconsin.  The amount of decisions that had to be made and how fast they had to be made was something I was unprepared for, not that anyone ever is. They honored Bret in a beautiful memorial on base the following Friday.  He was then escorted by two of his best friends home to Wisconsin.  The amount of respect shown to him was remarkable.  The allowed us onto the tarmac once the plane had landed, so we could be there when he was moved from the plane to the hearse to be taken to the funeral home.  Bret was laid to rest on November 14th, 2009 with a lot of friends and family surrounding him and the flags of both the United States and the State flag of Wisconsin flown at half staff all over that State of Wisconsin by executive order of the Governor, an honor that still takes my breath away today.

I am sitting here writing my story only three months later in fear that I will start to forget details of those couple days.  It will be at least two years before the accident report will be available.  One of the hardest things to deal with is what really happened to them.  Why was Bret out of the plane and his co-pilot still inside, why wasn’t there locator working, what were those last seconds like and did he have enough time to realize what was happening?  After having our first son I had many thoughts about what if anything ever happened to me, what would his life be like?  My heart aches for those thoughts that Bret must have had about our sons, one of which he never got to meet.  I hope over time I am able to break down the wall I have built when it comes to dealing with the emotions over loosing my husband.  My grief is now filled with the fact my children have lost their father and Bret has lost the opportunity to watch them grow.  Our second son is due to arrive the first week in March.  I have decided to name him Travis Bret Miller, to honor my husband’s memory.  I know Travis coming into this world with fill my heart with love and joy, but I also worry that it may also bring me back down to a dark place I have been trying to avoid.  Being pregnant has forced me to stay strong and keep my stress level down for the health of our baby.

Despite the tragedy that surrounds me I am uplifted by the out pouring of support from family, friends, and the Navy.  Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.  It is nice that there is a place we can share our thoughts and stories with other people who are able to relate.  I miss him everyday and thanks for sharing your stories as well, they give me hope.

Things You Should Know…to Survive

Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here are 10 things you need to know if you are to survive.

1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.

“He would want you to find a new man.” Hmmm… On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.

“I understand. I’m divorced.” Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn’t the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.

2. Expect to be asked out—by your husband’s best friend.

3. Expect to be asked, “Do you masturbate?” by your best friend.

4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it—at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.

5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can’t do it any more.

6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don’t belong.

Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.

7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.

8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.

9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.

10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date—with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become miniscule.

11. Expect to wish you were dead.

12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.

13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn’t I have died first?

14. Expect to make plans to run away.

15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.

16. Expect to kiss a fool.

17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn’t.

18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.

19. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.

20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.

21. Expect to not sleep.

22. Expect to not focus.

23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.

24. Expect to eat too much.

25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn’t want to eat chocolate!

26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.

27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It’s just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.

28. Expect to forgive yourself.

Okay. That’s it. And now I know what you’re thinking – She’s listed more than ten things.

But to make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.

Expect the unexpected.

And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again.
~Linda Della Donna @ www.griefcase.net
(The American Widow Project is not responsible for the content of other webistes.)

It’s Okay to Cry

Everybody has their way of dealing with grief.  I’m not the one to tell anyone that there is one “right” way to grieve.  I call Taryn at least 3 times a week to cry on her shoulder.  But in the last 6 months, 19 days 4 hours and 2 minutes life has been different, unpredictable, depressing, lonelier than words can express, and yes I’m going to say it, just fucking hard.  I cry, Lord do I cry.  I told a friend today that I measure my life now in Pre-Justin and Post –Justin time frames.  A large part of me died with Justin, but the unpalatable truth is, fortunately or unfortunately depending on the day, my body and soul are still alive.  I asked Justin what he would have me do if the unimaginable happened and he was killed in Iraq, he looked at me said 3 simple words that resound in my head…raise our son.  Easier said than done in my opinion.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than life.  He’s the gift that God gave me to prepare me for losing the one love he knew I wouldn’t survive losing if it wasn’t for our baby boy.  Almost 7 months out and I still feel lost.  I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get over waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat reaching for Justin to prove to myself that his death was just a nightmare.  What I do know is, life has to go on.  It will never have the meaning it once did.  The sun will never shine as brightly, colors will never seem as brilliant, there will never be the joy that there was when I was with Justin, just because we enjoyed things TOGETHER, but the days come and the days go, I have to go to bed alone and I have to wake up that way, I have to watch my son grow up without his adored father, I have to make it through “life”.  If I could tell a widow one thing that could potentially help it would be to cry.  Cry whenever, wherever, however, for as long as you need to.  It’s ok to cry.  It’s ok to need to cry on someone’s shoulder.  That’s what we’re all here for.  Whatever you’re feeling is normal, I promise.  At least one of us has felt it.  I scream at Justin usually once a day, I cuss him for leaving me to raise our gorgeous little boy, to do all the little household project, like building our son’s new bed that I bought him for his first birthday, or hanging that cabinet in the bathroom.  I’ve always been incredibly independent.  But being with Justin, I learned to be a little less independent and learned to trust that no matter what, he would be there, so it was ok to depend on him too.  If I had to pick just one thing I learned, not just from losing Justin but from loving him…love doesn’t end with death.  My love is probably stronger today than it was the day before he died, and it’ll be stronger tomorrow than it is today.  Just because he’s gone doesn’t stunt the growth of my love for him.  A quote from the TV show House that I saw last night, “You should love your wife more the more you get to know her.”  I haven’t stopped getting to know Justin, although I knew Justin better than anyone.  I’m getting to know him through his son.  I’ve become grateful for the short, wonderful months we had together, the life of our son, the fact that he trusted me with his heart, and I’m grateful for my grief.  My grief is part of my relationship with my husband.  It is part of me now.

Courage Prevailed

You’ve done it. You buried your spouse and you’re still here, living , breathing, walking around. At least physically you are. Mentally though, you dont know where you are, and chances are that you wont know for some months. The first six months for me, were anything but memorable. In fact, I can’t remember much of them even now. There were very, very low points where I found myself begging for death. I was a widow that had awfully vivid dreams during this time period and I found myself wanting to spend more time sleeping to be with my husband than to be awake and live reality without him. I tried to live, I tried to “move on” but I found much of my life had no purpose and I don’t really know who I was or what I was doing. I would say it took me a good six months to get started on settling into life on my own. I believe from month one to six was mostly a mental rebuilding time. I was coming to terms with the permanence of death, being alone, my faith in God, and even my own mortality. I spent days in fogs, weeks in grief, and sometimes I even smiled and thought I would live through it. I knew the feeling I was going through was one of the most horrible things I would ever deal with in my lifetime and everyday that passed I was closer to not feeling it anymore. There would always be sadness and I would always miss him, but this paralyzing grief would not be mine to own forever. It has to be said though, that saying months one through six was this, or six to a year was that, is using it very loosely. There will be gray periods where you will fall back and times where you will miraculously spring forward in your healing. Nothing about grief is definite. Theres times throughout where you may feel just as pessimistic or even optimistic as you did before. Just know, as you go through the process , the days will get better, and the “foggy” days will be more few and far between. One good thing that I did gain in these six months was courage. Even though sometimes my courage could have been mistaken for mental illness at times , and as bad as this may sound to people who haven’t been there before, it felt good to not fear death, to know I could do anything I wanted and made me feel surprisingly stronger. The strength continued throughout the next six months, and soon I became a military widow, proud, strong, intelligent and able, who can look back at the memories of my husband and smile for all that he was.

Big Decisions

When your loved one passes you are almost immediately thrown into making very big decisions. Whether it be requesting certain reports or speaking at their service, this page is here to let you know what you are entitled to as well as ease the stress in this whirlwind time.

Forms: Below are a list of reports you have to right to request and receive. Be sure to notify your C.A.O. if you choose to attain any.

  * Autopsy Report- This report is one I personally chose not to receive. Everything from the exact second of their death to the number of wounds attained will be present. For some it may bring closure and answers to things needed, while for others it may open wounds you never wanted to surface. Just know that the decision is yours. If you can’t make this decision yet, just remember you have as many days, months and years as you need. Below are fellow widows’ experiences with the A.R.:
      o Strongly Recommended - Jocelyn
      o My Experience 

  * Accident Investigation Report- If the death of your spouse involved an accident involving the Army this report is at your disposal. All cases will be investigated by the U.S. Army Combat Readiness Center.

  * Line of Duty Report of Investigation- If your loved one died from anything other then natural causes a Line of Duty Report may be conducted. It just facts and other tid bits surrounding the events that occurred that fateful day.


Eulogy- Making the choice to speak at your spouse’s service is only one you can determine. Emotions, numbness and many other factors may be working against you, but if you find the strength and will to do so you might find these links helpful. From how to write one to making a back up plan, all topics and “what-ifs” are covered:

  * How To Write a Eulogy (from About.com)
  * Eulogy Sample for a Husband (from EulogySpeech.net)
  * Eulogy Outline (from EulogySpeeches.net)
  * Poems and Verses Great for Eulogies (from Next Gen Memorials)


The above links will take you to sites not associated with the American Widow Project. We are not responsible for the content of other websites.

My Experience

I got his autopsy report today.  I had a feeling it was coming, even though I didn’t expect it for a few more months.  His death was so complicated, and I knew the investigation was ongoing.  I had even received a call with another monthly update that there was still no timeline for them to complete the investigation.  So, as I loaded my three-year-old and my baby in the car, a FedEx guy walked up to my garage and handed me the clipboard for my signature.  What else could it be?  I signed, and then looked at the sender on the envelope.  It was from Washington D.C.  What else could it be?  I was on my way to the elementary school for my older kids’ Valentine’s Day parties.  I tore it open anyway.  Sure enough, inside was a sealed envelope strongly suggesting that I do not open it alone and warning me of its graphic contents.  I set the envelope inside and drove away.  Now what?  Do I open it?  My mind had been swirling for months wondering why he died.  No one seemed to have an answer to my questions.  They kept saying: when the autopsy is released maybe we will have some answers for you.

My in-laws had already let me know they had no interest in the whys. They felt like it would just re-open their healing wounds, or worse, cast my husband’s sacrifice in a poor light.  They felt like they had dealt with the events surrounding his death.  Why re-live them?  Or know every gruesome detail?

I called my mom.  She wanted to be here for me when I read it.  Or even read it for me, and just tell me the major stuff, and leave out all the graphics.  She is a nurse, and she would understand all the medical jargon.

I feel like it’s personal though.  It’s a very personal part of my husband, and he wouldn’t want me to share it with the world.  So, when I got back from the school, I stared at the envelope.  Then, I set it up on a high shelf in the back of my closet.  Maybe I’m not ready.  Will I ever be?  I want so badly to understand why he died.  But, I am scared too.  What if I find out something that I regret knowing?  What if the images those words paint in my mind forever scar my memory of him?  I can’t stand not knowing every detail.  And, yet, the envelope remains unopened.  If I knew the answers to all the whys, then I would have to keep it secret from everyone in my life.  Or maybe I wouldn’t.  Maybe it would just bring up more questions.  It feels like a weight, or a burden trying to make yet another decision that I should never have to make at such a young age.

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