Story Categories - The 1st Year

My best friend, Kelsey, and her husband Nathan were to be stationed in Hawaii in May of 2009, so they decided I needed to meet someone so when I came to visit them, so I wouldn’t be lonely. In January 2009 while Nathan was in Iraq, he told 3 different guys about me and only one showed interest. That man was Curtis Michael Swenson and he stole my heart in the first four hours we ever talked (but he didn’t know that at the time). We gained a relationship over the next couple of months and decided that we couldn’t wait to see each other in June. March rolled around and Curtis’s unit got back from Iraq, so Kelsey and I decided we had to go to Hawaii to see Nathan & Curtis.

I spent a week in Hawaii with him and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man!!! I had never felt that way about anyone and loved spending what time I had with him. At the end of March, he took Post deployment leave and went home to Minnesota to visit his family, but 4 of those days he came and saw me in Indiana. We were still “friends” at this point and he didn’t really want to make the commitment with having one more deployment and all. The day he left Indiana he gave me the quickest hug ever and told me bye…..he didn’t talk to me the next day, so at this point I was really upset and had no idea what had happened. On April 4, 2009 I got a phone call from him asking if I would be his girlfriend! “REALLY?!” was all I could say to him. ( haha). But of course I accepted and couldn’t wait for his return in June!!

June finally rolled around and I went to Hawaii again and spent 3 of the most amazing weeks of my life with him. While there, everyone kept saying we should just get married and I should move out there, but I was in school and we didn’t think we were ready for marriage yet. The next few months went by and we webcammed, texted, called everyday and were going nuts without each other. One day, in August of 2009, we were webcamming and he said we should just get married and me move out here…I was more surprised then anything but this was what i had been waiting for since June . So that’s just what I did, I packed up, moved to Hawaii and on August 26th, I became Mrs. Katie Swenson.

He deployed November 19, 2009, We were in the parking lot with all our friends, giving the last kisses and hugs goodbye for the next 7 months. All my friends were scared to death and a couple were crying, but I told them everything was going to be fine. The last thing Curtis said to me that day was “See ya’ in 7 months.” So I had complete faith that come June 2010, we would all be together in the hangar, waiting for our husband’s arrival.

But little did I know…

April 2, 2010 I was going with a friend to get pedicures and watch “The Last Song”. Curtis’s sister texted me and asked what I was doing..so I replied “At Walmart”, and she asked if my mom was with me & I automatically knew something had happened to Curtis. At this point I was freaking out. I got to my friends truck and Curtis’s mom called me. She said Curtis was killed. It was the day after April fools day so in my mind I’m like “Please tell me this is a really really bad joke.” I finally got to my dad’s house and there were 2 marines waiting to give me the news that my husband would never be home again.

Curtis was the man I saw myself with forever. It’s crazy to me how you think you’ve found everything you ever wanted and it can just get taken away like that. I miss him more everyday and wish it was all a dream. Its been over a year since it happened and Im very proud of myself for how strong I have been & I hope he is just as proud!
<3 CMS

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things that work for me in this whole “moving on” process and I wanted to share. I feel I’ve done an ok job with handling it. Due partly to the fact that a lot of these skills were learned while he was injured. Things weren’t easy then either. It has to be harder for widows who really never had to experience pain or really, really tough times with their spouse. So, I’m going to share some of the things I’ve learned really help me get through.

-Pace yourself in everything. Don’t make any hasty decisions. Our minds are all over the place. We may want something one day, then have no interest in it the next. Make sure each decision is very thought out.

-Count your blessings.

-Invest and budget. Spending a ton of money may make you feel better now, but you will regret it in the end.

-Keep your closest friends and family very close. You will need them to pry you off the floor. Probably more than once.

-Choose your friends wisely. You’re fragile. This is prime bad decision making time.

-You’re going to make some mistakes in different areas of your life. Forgive yourself and use those to make better decisions in the future.

-Make your environment pleasant. Your house, your city, everything. Your surroundings WILL effect your mood.

-Get as much of the outdoors as possible. Sunshine will greatly improve your mood. If it’s a cloudy day, take a bath and read a good, happy book like the “Happiness Project”.

-Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t allow it to consume you. What works for me is setting aside time slots. During that time I look at pictures, I cry, I think about him, and then when my time is up I get back to my day.

-Exercise. I struggle with this, but when I do it I feel SO much better.

-On the flip side….indulge in good food. This could be a totally personal thing, but something about REALLY good food makes me very happy. Take your girlfriend to a really nice restaraunt. Wear a dress. And enjoy.

-Be careful in relationships. Take things slow. I recommend starting out as friends. Just hang out and have fun. Make sure they know where you’re at with all of “this”. If things start to grow into a relationship… baby steps. There is no rush. If you go too fast you are risking a nasty rebound relationship and potential nasty breakup. I mean really… do we need that right now? And… there is no reason to feel guilty. Meeting someone else does not make you love your husband less. Sadly, he is gone. And we have two choices. We can either move on or die with them. Which would he want you to choose?

-Do something you’ve always wanted to do but never got around to.

-Take a vacation with a good friend. Even just a girls night on the town can do the trick!

-Listen to music that inspires you. Pandora.com has been a good friend of mine.

-Don’t beat yourself up if it’s taking you longer than normal to do daily tasks. It’s ok. If you are having a really difficult time getting things done, ask someone for help. People want to help you.

-Do not give yourself a time-line for your grief. Let it play out on it’s own.

-Pamper yourself. Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Even if you just have an at home spa day.

-Do something for someone else. Sometimes the best medicine is doing something for someone else. Maybe volunteer somewhere.

-Don’t drink too much. I made this mistake at first. Drinking has never done anything for me but drown the pain for a night then give me a hangover. Drinking too much is going to take you down a very long, painful road. I’m not saying you can’t have a few drinks with friends, just make sure you have control. Let your friends know if you think you may have a problem. They will help you.

-Love yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to move on. He would want the same. You know he would.

I only recently found this site. I was looking online for solace, an outlet, anything. Eventually I stumbled here. I hope that this helps me, because God I need help.

I was 24 with an 11 month old daughter and another baby due four months later when the knock came. My husband had died in Kuwait only hours after his boots hit the ground and only an hour after he called me. A heart attack related to medical malpractice and a blood clot from the plane ride in claimed my husband. He was on an ER table nearly instantly, but nothing could be done. He was gone immediately and our lives changed irrevocably. Unbeknownst to me. I was busy sending photos of our daughter learning to walk at his mother’s house.

As I’m sure you all know, the next days and weeks were a blur that you only remember pieces of, and those all too clearly. You say things you don’t mean and arrange for things that seem bizarre later. The world somehow has the audacity to continue turning.

In all this time, I cried only once.

Fast forward to now. My daughters are 17 months, and nine weeks respectively. I have a new apartment, a new family dynamic and a new title. my friends are scattered across the world and at a loss about how to help anyway. My contact with the Gold Star world consists of just my doula who lost a step daughter in 2005. She has been a lot of help, but even she is starting to be freaked out.

You see, until now I haven’t had a chance to break down. I had too much vital stuff to do. A toddler, an infant,  a household… the list goes on. But I was out of town this week, and I left my older daughter home. I brought someone with me to help with the baby. Suddenly, I had time.

It was awful. The spout opened and I think it may never shut off. I feel crushed under the weight of this. I’m on zoloft and ambien, being seen by a psychologist and psychiatrist (I’ve done all of this since the beginning). Now I’m having panic attacks. I’m overwhelmed. I constantly have that feeling you get when you drink an energy drink and crash. I can’t find my keys. I lost two baby blankets and a bib. I want to throw up all the time, and in the midst of an attack I’m afraid to get help because I irrationally think (only in the moment) that someone will take my girls away if I do.

Someone help me. For the love of God, something has got to give.

I met my husband, Jonathan, when I was coming out of my first marriage. A friend had taken me out for my birthday, and I saw this guy sitting at a table across from us holding a neon green, and yes I am serious, piece of paper that said HI on it. He came over and we started talking…. Right away, there was something about him that had me head over heels for him. I couldn’t place it then, but I can now. He was so out going and caring, the life of the party. He made me smile when I wanted to pull my hair out! We got married about 9 months after meeting, and he fought so hard to gain sponsorship of my son from my previous marriage, so that the Army would recognize my son as Jonathan’s child. (I had a son from my previous marriage.) I gave birth to our daughter 6 months after we were married. And 3 months after that, he deployed to Iraq with a Stryker Brigade for the 15 mo Surge. He told me he would be back with us in no time. I prayed every night that he would be. There were many close calls, but thankfully he came home. We PCS-ed to Ft Carson, shortly after he came home. Jonathan was with us in Ft Carson for 10 months before he deployed to Afghanistan. Prior to him leaving, we had our 3rd child, our daughter, 3 months before. He knew this deployment was going to be different. I thought it was just because I was so sick, and the Dr’s weren’t sure what was going on. But Jonathan knew this was the deployment that he wouldn’t come home from.

On August 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am, my husband along with another soldier were killed when a pressure plate for an IED was detonated. The love of my life, the man I had found when I had given up all hope. The man that took my son in, and made my son his son… was taken from us in the blink of an eye….. I am 6 months, 18 days, and 8 hrs and 12 min into this, and it’s been one hell of a ride…. After my husband deployed, I was in and out of the hospital. Which wasn’t normal for me at the age of 27. I lost all my hair (I was Mr. Clean bald) but he still thought I was the most beautiful woman on earth…. He died never knowing what was wrong with me. Two weeks ago, I had a hysterectomy, because I had cancer. The one thing he always thought was going to happen. Only he feared I wouldn’t make it. I have loved and lost the most wonderful husband and father. A part of myself died the day Jonathan did….. And I wondered how I would continue my life, knowing he was never coming home to me again. But he gives me strength everyday to face everything I have gone through the last 6 months. I will always love him, and he will always have the biggest place in my heart. He knew he wasn’t coming back from this deployment. But I always thought he was invincible and nothing could take him away from me. But I’ve learned not to take things for granted. I have 3 beautiful kids, our wish was to have 4, but it didn’t work out for either of us. But at least we were blessed with 3 precious kids. He will always be my strength, and he will forever live on in the eyes of our children and I.

I cannot recall most of the day before it happened or much about the days leading up to the accident.  My husband, Lt. Bret Travis Miller USN, was supposed to land from a routine training flight at 3:30 on October 28th, 2009.  He usually turned his phone on after he landed, so about 3:45 I started to call him.  I figured he would be home by 5:00 and I wanted to start dinner.  I had gone to the grocery store and bought fish and chicken and I wanted to know which one he was going to want for dinner.  I kept calling his phone back every 15 minutes or so and straight to voice-mail.  “Well, maybe he took off late; I’ll just start the chicken.”  My grandmother was in town and was watching something on the TV and a segment for the 5:00 news came on and I heard something about a plane making an emergency landing.  I went to the TV and rewound it and saw it was a private plane and no one was hurt.  The probably would have more about it online, so I pulled up our local news website and there is the bright red box, “Breaking News: Coast Guard reports a T-34 is missing over the Gulf of Mexico.”  My hands started to shake, it couldn’t possibly be Bret.  I called my best friend, whose husband was also in Bret’s squadron, and she hadn’t heard anything, but her husband was at work and she would call him and see if he had heard anything.  She called back a few seconds later and said that he didn’t answer his phone.  What to do next, call someone else?  Should I call the squadron, it had been almost an hour by now since he was supposed to land, but I didn’t want to be the crazy wife calling the squadron to check on her husband.  After about 10 minutes of contemplation, I called and the sweetest lady answered. “Hi, this is Lt. Miller’s wife; may I speak with the ODO?”  “Yes ma’am, just a moment please.”  She came back on the phone about 30 seconds later and said it would be just a minute or two.  When the line picked back up the man on the other end identified himself as Bret’s executive officer, I fell to my knees and yelled that I didn’t want to talk to him.  He informed me that they had lost radar contact with his plane about 3:20 and had no other information at this time, besides they had a lot of planes out looking along with the Cost Guard and a representative from the squadron is on his way over.  I hung up the phone and just stood there, what was I supposed to do next?  I just stood there and stood there when our 2 ½ year old son came into the room, that is when I realized I needed to focus on the best possible outcomes and not the worse.  He can bail out of the plane, they wear a parachute, the water in the gulf is warm, and the plane has a tracking device.  I called back my best friend from Bret’s squadron and told her that it was Bret’s plane; the rest of the conversation is a blank in my mind as is what happened up until the time when the representative from the squadron came with my best friend.  He explained that again they had no information and asked if I had any questions, but all I could think is “What questions am I supposed to have?”  I don’t remember who told me or when I was told, but Bret’s plane locator was not working.  Everyone that could was out looking and searching a big area, but had no idea where the plane could be, all they had to go on was where they lost radar contact.  Again, I don’t remember much of the rest of the day.  A couple of friends from the squadron were at the house with me waiting on word.  As the hours past, my heart began to sink with thoughts of what this could really mean.  Early the next morning the call came in that representatives from the squadron were on their way to make an official missing person notification.  They showed up just like something out of a movie.  They walked in my house in full uniform and removed their covers and asked me to sit down.  They went through the official notification and that they still had no new information.  I began at this time to start to lose the facade I was putting on, that I was handling this ok.  I locked myself in the bathroom and let it all go.  That is when the Braxton hick’s contractions started.  Yes, I was almost five months pregnant at the time.  We had just found out two days prior that we were having another boy.  How could all of this really be happening, that thought crossed my mind every few minutes.  The rest of the day passed with making plans for his parents and my mom to arrive the following day and no new information about Bret, his co-pilot, or the plane.  It is now Friday October 30th, the arrival of his parents and my mom are a complete blur and is most of the day.  I can just remember how hard it was when family started to arrive.  We had been told that we would be briefed by the Coast Guard at 3:30 on base.  Bret’s CO had been out of town when this all happened and had got back into town on Thursday and was going to pick us up and take us over to base for the briefing.  Sometime close to when we were supposed to leave someone had called and told us that the briefing had been cancelled, but they were going to have a candle light vigil for Bret and his co-pilot at the chapel on base and the CO was still going to take us.  I heard the door bell ring and was in my room and grabbed my purse and coat and walked out and saw my worst nightmare standing in front of me.  There stood Bret’s CO and the squadron CACO in full uniform.  They asked me to sit down and you can imagine what happened after that.  They told me that the Coast Guard received a call from a floating oil rig that had spotted something in the water.  They explained that they identified him by his name tag on his flight suit and it was Bret.  My world fell apart, but at the same time it did not seem real.  The thoughts that went through my mind were all over the place and there were hundreds of them.  Once I settled down and began to clear my mind, I realized that in this situation I should be thankful that Bret was found.  There still was no sign of Bret’s co-pilot or the plane.  The plane, with his co-pilot still inside, was found three weeks later.

The next day we began preparing for a memorial on base and a funeral back home in Wisconsin.  The amount of decisions that had to be made and how fast they had to be made was something I was unprepared for, not that anyone ever is. They honored Bret in a beautiful memorial on base the following Friday.  He was then escorted by two of his best friends home to Wisconsin.  The amount of respect shown to him was remarkable.  The allowed us onto the tarmac once the plane had landed, so we could be there when he was moved from the plane to the hearse to be taken to the funeral home.  Bret was laid to rest on November 14th, 2009 with a lot of friends and family surrounding him and the flags of both the United States and the State flag of Wisconsin flown at half staff all over that State of Wisconsin by executive order of the Governor, an honor that still takes my breath away today.

I am sitting here writing my story only three months later in fear that I will start to forget details of those couple days.  It will be at least two years before the accident report will be available.  One of the hardest things to deal with is what really happened to them.  Why was Bret out of the plane and his co-pilot still inside, why wasn’t there locator working, what were those last seconds like and did he have enough time to realize what was happening?  After having our first son I had many thoughts about what if anything ever happened to me, what would his life be like?  My heart aches for those thoughts that Bret must have had about our sons, one of which he never got to meet.  I hope over time I am able to break down the wall I have built when it comes to dealing with the emotions over loosing my husband.  My grief is now filled with the fact my children have lost their father and Bret has lost the opportunity to watch them grow.  Our second son is due to arrive the first week in March.  I have decided to name him Travis Bret Miller, to honor my husband’s memory.  I know Travis coming into this world with fill my heart with love and joy, but I also worry that it may also bring me back down to a dark place I have been trying to avoid.  Being pregnant has forced me to stay strong and keep my stress level down for the health of our baby.

Despite the tragedy that surrounds me I am uplifted by the out pouring of support from family, friends, and the Navy.  Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.  It is nice that there is a place we can share our thoughts and stories with other people who are able to relate.  I miss him everyday and thanks for sharing your stories as well, they give me hope.