My husband took his life on August 27th 2010 at the unit he worked at for 9 1/2 years. I lost my grandmother in March and then my mother in May and then my husband in August of last year. We adopted our daughter who was 12 at the time in March. We then renewed our vows in July for our 10 year anniversary.
I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I kept getting phone calls at work that had to deal with military stuff and I kept telling them that was my husband. I remember that in my heart I knew something was not right. So before I went into my teacher’s meeting I prayed with my secretary who happens to be the wife’s pastor of our church. My daughter was at a friend’s house because she did not start school until the following Tuesday. All day I was trying to call and text my husband and wasn’t getting him, but that was not unusual because he told me he was going to be in the weapons room because they had soldiers who came back from the range that week. So after school I went and picked up mu daughter at her friends house and took her to the church to spend the weekend with the assistant pastor’s family because we had a foster class that next day. Thank God she had her family there to take my daughter. I went back to the house to see if he called on the home phone. I just felt like something was not right and something bad had happened to him, but I didn’t know what. He didn’t call, but the commander left a message saying that I needed to call because there was an incident at work.
I called her and she pretended she didn’t know what was going on. So she said she would call the unit and find out and call me back, but she never did. I ordered pizza because by that time the pastor’s wife came over and they kept telling me I needed to eat. When the pizza arrived I was putting plates out and there was a knock at my door. I could see who was there but didn’t want to believe it (Like I am sure we all felt, when we see the uniforms at our doors). They told me on my porch that my husband had shot himself this morning in the arms room at work at 6a.m. I fell to my knees and cried and denied everything they said. I kept telling them he is in the hospital and I need to go see him. After they left I had a house full of family and friends and the pastor who tried to comfort me but all I wanted to do was be with my husband in heaven.
My sister stayed with me the first week and a half until we layed his ashes to rest in Richland cemetery in Ohio. The next day the causality officer came and we started all the paperwork. He was also a God send because this was the first time he had ever done this and he was so compassionate and caring. God knew I needed someone like him to get me through this difficult time. But everytime I saw him in his uniform it would bring me back to the day that I found out that my husband of 10yrs had committed suicide.
It has been 7 months and I am doing a lot better. I still have triggers that I have to learn to deal with and keep going. I am not going to say that there weren’t not-so rosie days through this and I didn’t want to kill myself too, but God pulled me through and put people in my life to carry me and show me a better life. I just received his suicide note on April 6, 2011. I also got to see his tattoos he had because he was cremated so I never got to see his body for closure. So by seeing and reading that I am moving forward with my daughter and a new life. I have started dating and met a wonderful man who is a christian and understands the hurt but we are taking it slow. I know my husband would want me to go on and not be alone the rest of my life and not have a father for our daughter. I also go to a suicide support group in my area which is somewhat helpful to know I am not the only one who had to go through this. I wish I had a military support group for suicide soldiers in my area to go too. I feel that would also be a big help.
So I have learned in these passed 7 months that life goes on and there are people out there who know what its like to lose someone to suicide in the military. I have also been wanting to help another military wife who was in a different unit in my husbands building who was in Iraq and committed suicide. So I have reached out to her and told her when she is ready I am here to listen and I understand what it is like. I talk to the UA at the unit and we go out every once in awhile as he hurts also, as well as everyone in the building. My husband will never be forgotten at that building. He touched more lives then I knew and he was a special guy that will be truly missed by all at the Twinsburg facility.