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Story Categories - Other

Combat Boots & Diamond Rings

Like a lot of people from a small town, my husband and I knew each other from the time we were little kids. He was in my fifth grade homeroom class, but I didn’t give him much thought then, even though I remember my mom always saying “he’s just the cutest little boy!”

It wasn’t until high school, when he started a garage band with my brother, that I took notice of his blue eyes, the way he played guitar, his closeness with his family… He wore a leather jacket to school every day and slept through every class, and I guess a lot of teachers thought he was a slacker. But I knew he was smart and strong and sensitive and loyal. We were sixteen, and I KNEW I was going to marry him.

He joined the Army when we were eighteen, opting for Infantry because he wanted to “be where the action is, do something big and make a difference.” His family was not so keen on the idea, but I was behind him 100%. I knew he wanted to do it, and I also knew that even though so many people underestimated him, if he put his mind to something, he would accomplish it.  He was more than just the lazy kid in the leather jacket that some people in our hometown saw. I wonder now if they regret that they never gave him the credit he deserved.

After basic, he got stationed in Friedberg, Germany with the 1st Armored Division, and went to Iraq in 2003-2004. I ALWAYS saw him as such an amazing, upstanding, loyal person, my hero—and then he became an American war hero. He rarely talked about his experiences in Iraq—some of the firefights and situations he won awards for, I am only now, a year after his death, learning the details of—but I knew he had seen some serious things… he never was “the same person” after he came home…

We got married when he came home on leave after Iraq, and then went to Germany together for a while. A few months into our marriage, I realized that something was wrong. My husband was different. The best way I can describe it is to say that his body had come back home, but somehow he’d left his soul in the sandbox. He didn’t sleep well, and if sleep came, terrible nightmares came with it. He often fought and screamed in his sleep. He had flashbacks during the day, and sometimes it was hard to make him realize he was safe, at home. Once, I found him huddled on the floor in our closet, wearing only his PT shorts and dogtags. I asked him what he was doing, what was going on? And all he said was “I just felt safe there.”

Over the next couple of years, things got worse. Especially when we got stationed in California, at a small post in the middle of the mojave desert. In addition to sleep problems and nightmares and flashbacks and anger, there was anxiety and panic, bleeding ulcers and stomach problems…As if this wasn’t enough to deal with, a “fake” IED exploded in his face during a training exercise, leaving him with hearing loss in one ear, serious balance and coordination problems, and even more mental health issues.

When I finally convinced him to seek help for some of these issues, we learned that our tiny post in CA had no Psychologists, no trained mental health providers other than counselors, no hearing or vestibular specialists. They told my husband to “drink warm milk” to cure his anxiety and nightmares, and gave him some kind of “expirimental drug” to see if his hearing would improve. It didn’t.

We fought hard to get him competent care for these injuries. Fought like hell, actually. It was almost 6 months before he finally got his hearing aids, and more than a year before he finally got to see mental health providers in San Diego for Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. By then, he’d already been in an inpatient program for PTSD twice. I had to write letters to senators and congressman and meet with his entire Chain of Command in order to get him the medical treatment he deserved, the treatment he was entitled to.

He was medically discharged from the Army in May of 2008, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved! We were both so ecstatic, just to be able to live a “normal” Civilian life, be together on a regular basis, and heal from all the hardships and trauma of the last several years. As awful as things had been, it was wonderful to know that we had made it through all these things together, we would stick by each other through anything, that we’d always be there to fight for each other when we needed to. I felt like we were finally “safe.”

And for almost 8 months, we were.  For those months, we had cookouts with family and went fishing and shopping and took roadtrips and just relaxed. I saw him smile and laugh more than ever. My husband—the REAL person, not just the broken shell—was finally healthy and home!

Then, on Jan 17th, 2009, he was killed by a drunk driver. He was on his way home from playing pool with his cousin. At 12:37 he called to tell me he was on his way home. At 12:42, he was dead.

He died on impact, when the car hit a tree.

I have the police reports, his death certificate, all this documentation that spells out what happened. Sometimes I just stare at it. None of these papers really explain to me how the STRONGEST person I’ve ever met or ever will meet, a person who has been through so much and always persevered, a person who has lived through so much pain….how could that person just…die?!! The tree wasn’t very big at all. I still cannot fathom how such a small tree—a sappling, really—could kill him. He was so tough and strong. They say he died “on impact,” meaning he didn’t struggle, he went instantly. And while I suppose this is a good thing, I don’t understand that either. By nature, he was a fighter. He always struggled, always overcame. So how could he not struggle and fight to live?? I have so many questions.

It wasn’t until I filled out some forms for the VA, and checked the “widow” box, that I realized I wasn’t technically a wife anymore. If I am not Chris’s wife, then who am I?

When I boxed up his stuff, put all his Army gear in duffel bags and his Class As in a shadowbox on the wall, I happened to look down at a pair of his combat boots, and then at my diamond engagement ring. I wondered how it could be possible that the Army wasn’t really a part of my life anymore, and how it could be possible that the engagement ring I’d worn since I was sixteen belonged to a dead man??

I don’t know what to do with all this stuff. It’s a little over a year now, and I have put some things in boxes, given some things to family…I even donated some of his socks to Goodwill, which was actually harder than I’d anticipated, even if they were just socks!...the combat boots are in the closet and I recently took off my wedding rings and put them in a keepsake box. But the real question isn’t about what to do with his stuff. The real question is about who I am now. And what am I supposed to do with myself?

It Started With His Smile

My husband told me he knew he was going to marry me the first time he saw me. I laughed at him and said yeah right. I had no interest in him whatsoever. So we became friends and slowly I started falling for him. It started with his smile. He had such a beautiful smile complete with one dimple. It was just so sincere you could tell he really cared about you. Then when you got to know him you got to hear his laugh. Its one thing that each and every story I have ever heard about him included. It could make the most serious moment eased and have everyone in the room laughing. It was so contagious, once you heard it you just couldn’t help but at least smile. He would go above and beyond to make anyone laugh even if it was at his own expense.

That’s the thing that makes things harder yet easier. (If that really makes any sense) On one side it’s awful to think of the world deprived of someone just so full of laughter and love. How many more people could he have touched or lifted their spirit? On the other side how can I not look back and smile. Everything I think of is happy and him joking and laughing. He wasn’t a sad person he was no holds barred.  I am so happy to say that our son has that same humor and is always making everyone laugh so I know Kyle will continue on in our little guy.

From me not even wanting to give him a chance. To marrying him, having two beautiful children and having an amazing 8yrs together. Now that’s really something to smile about. 

I will always think of your smile and smile because you were mine.

At First Sight

At 17 years old, I was working in a contemporary art gallery as the stockroom manager/shift leader in Orlando and my husband to be, Sean, was doing an internship at Epcot Center, working with hydroponics to grow plants, give behind the scenes tours of the nurseries, and living it up in Orlando. One afternoon, he walked into the store I worked in. Later I found out, the only reason he walked in to begin with was because he had caught a glimpse of me. The moment I saw him I was hooked. I went to greet him and offer help, as you are supposed to do in a good customer service oriented retail establishment. He used the excuse that he wanted to look at some watches, and in the process we exchanged small talk. I knew at that moment that he was the man I was going to marry. I didn’t know when or how it was going to work out, but I jut had faith that it would. He left shortly after, and I proceeded to tell a co –worker that I hoped he would come back and get my number. At that very moment, I felt someone walk in behind me, again, I turned around to greet the new customer, and it was Sean. I turned beat red, thinking he heard what I just told my colleague. He very simply just asked “Hey, could I get your number? Maybe we can go out sometime…” and I just said “sure.” Later that evening a friend of his, who was in town visiting from Texas, nearly ruined it for him. His friend called and left the most ridiculous message on my answering machine. “Hey Csilla, this is Todd and Sean. We thought we’d give you a call, call us back okay.” As soon as I heard the message … delete. What are we in the sixth grade? This guy gets my number and he can’t even call me himself? It’s not worth it.  Well, about a week later, Sean came back by my store to apologize for not having called. He explained that he had a friend in town, but that he really did want to go out. We set up a lunch date right then and there for the following Tuesday.  For some reason at that moment I happened to ask him his age. He responded with “24, and you?” to which my response was “17.” He just said “oh.”
“so I guess we’re not going out?”
“no, we’ll go out.”
Later I found out he researched the statutory rape laws in the state of Florida prior to our first date, but I guess you can’t blame him. He was being cautious and making sure he knew what was what ... you know ‘just in case’ smile
        Lunch was amazing. It was very simple. We went to TGI Friday’s in Orlando, at the Crosswalks. We could not be quiet long enough to look at the menu and order our lunch. Nearly two hours passed, our waitress gave up on us and asked us to grab her when we were ready to order! We were both hooked, the chemistry, conversation, and the company was just incredible. After lunch, I really wanted to make the date last a little longer, so I went out on a limb and asked him if he was interested in going to Epcot for the rest of the day. He said “Sure.” And later on I found out he thought it was awesome that I asked him to do something else. Since we both worked on Disney property, we had unlimited access to all the parks, which was excellent! We walked around the Around the World Showcase – he showed me where he worked, told me what he did… and the conversation just kept flowing. We came upon the lake, at the center of the World Showcase and I remember being in the middle of sentence when he just leaned in and gave me the most amazing, gentle, nice kiss. I remember being shocked, and just as if nothing happened I said “okay,” with a big smile and continued talking, never even skipping a beat. As evening approached, we left the park and headed back to his apt. He introduced me to his cat and we came back down. We had a nice goodbye kiss in the parking lot, and I headed home.
        The entire drive home I was in Heaven. He seemed so incredible. Older, well put together, good ambitions, goals in life, organized, funny, not to mention beautiful with his blonde hair and deep blue eyes – I was gone. That day I completely fell in love with him – and it just got better as we got to know each other over the next couple of years.

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