Holidays & Anniversaries - American Widow Project

Memorial Day

Memorial Day is this month, and it comes every year with many people asking what I’ll be doing. How I’ll be honoring a day that my husband fought and died to be recognized as a part of.

I guess in a way these days (Veteran’s and Memorial Day) are not so much different then yesterday or the day before, as they’re days that I daily am reminded of with Michael’s absence … with his uniforms that hang lifeless in the closet … with the flag displayed on the shelf. But it’s a day brought to the attention to those outside of my realm, and so a day that I am able to talk about him a bit more and know he’s being remembered.

So my answer for what I will do this month is: Remember his strength and courage. Remember the love that was shown to him and that he showed others gave him the ability to sacrifice his all in the name of sanctifying those attributes and the root of their being.

I’ll reflect on how lucky I am that he chose me, not only to love, but also to bear his legacy and what he stood for in the case he would never return. I’ll think of the men and women of the military that allowed him to flourish in his purpose in life and allowed him the ability to die having found it. I’ll think of April 9th, 2007, the last time I kissed him in the airport. I’ll think of the many like me who shared that kiss they never thought would be there last. I’ll think about those that came before him and after him in serving our country. I’ll remember that in my darkest hours to tap into what he embodied. I’ll think of how proud I am of him (and all of our military) and how I hope to make him proud, too…

I’ll think about what I think about each and every day.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ” -Lao Tzu

My 17th Wedding Anniversary

Saturday, July 1, 1995 on the Caribbean island of Antigua at 10:00 a.m. we exchanged vows!!!

We almost didn’t make it. Planning a wedding long distance, our flight was canceled, overnight stays, lots of worry; the designer fudged my dress (it looked nothing like the sketches), anxiety …. more anxiety, lots of laughter …. and we made it. The night before, I promised him that I would not be late. I promised not to keep him waiting … and I didn’t! Sure I fudged my vows a little – instead of saying “to love and to cherish,” I said, “to love and to sherish.” This resulted in the uncontrollable urge to laugh long and hard and we struggled immensely to hold it in. We almost failed.

There was anticipation … and love, nervous smiles … and love, excitement … and love, laughter … and love, joy … and love, new life … and love, the ocean breeze … and love, sunlight glistening on sailboats … and love, I do’s … and love, US … and love, LOTS OF IT! It was awesome!!!!

Fast forward 17 years and it seems that today, July 1, 2012, I am the only one that remembers. Sad but true! It is a day that still matters very much to me. I remember the smiles, I remember holding hands, I remember looking into his eyes, I remember the “I love you’s,” I remember LOVE!!!!!

That saying, “in the land of the living” impacts me every day, because even though I can’t see him or touch him or kiss him, he is still in the land of the living in my world … because he is larger than life in my heart!

I love you babe! You will never leave my heart! Always and forever yours!

When the Whole World’s Ho Ho Ho-ing and You’re Thinking, SO WHAT!

With the Holiday season fast approaching, and everyone you know, and wish you didn’t, is making merry…

While you, the newly widowed, are thinking, Bah, Humbug…

Is it any wonder you want to scream, “Stuff a sock in it!” to that man on the corner dressed in a red suit, with a white beard, ringing a bell?

I want you to know, you’re not alone.

Though the upcoming holidays without Him may bring you down, here are four new tips for you, the newly widowed, to make it through:

1. Make a New Memory!

In your mind’s eye, you see His image reflected everywhere you go—In every ornament and light on every Christmas tree you see. And that empty space on the mantelpiece where his stocking once hung doesn’t help.

You, the newly widowed, may be wondering how you’ll ever get through the holiday alone with all your memories.

But don’t worry.

Because there’s no time like this holiday to begin anew by making a new memory. One you will look back on next year, next week, tomorrow, five minutes from now, with mourning joy.

Just ask yourself who do I know? And where can I go?

Then flip that clam cell phone, or sign onto the internet, and turn on your heart light.

I’ll bet you know someone, somewhere, who can fit one extra chair at the table and make you feel at home.

Okay. So it’s not your first choice. But, it’s a start at your new life.

Find out which member of your family is making dinner.

Stand in front of a mirror. Repeat after me, “Can I join you?”

Then ask, “What can I bring?”

Get going!

You, the newly widowed, have things to do. Like shop for red wine. Or, is it white?

2. Make a New Gift!

There is nothing more healing to a battered soul than an act of loving kindness.

You, the newly widowed, know what I mean. We know what it is to lose at the game of life. We feel it with every Christmas card we receive. It can be a gloomy day without Him at our side. But don’t let it.

The simple act of giving a new gift from the heart helps us forget about ourselves.

Go.

Fill a new basket, a new bucket, a new Tupperware bowl—With fresh navel oranges, green Grannie Smiths, some ripened Chiquita bananas, a circle of dried figs, and a crinkled bag of nuts. Wrap it in cellophane, tie a bow around it. And deliver it to a local nursing home, hospital, homeless shelter, or food pantry. Let the staff decide who receives your bounty.

You’ll brighten a stranger’s day, have a good time doing it, and it will have gotten you out of your house.

3. Make a New Holiday!

No family? No friends? No one to call?

Give yourself permission to be by yourself.

Sleep late.

Order in.

Take in a movie.

Do the something special thing you’ve been meaning to do for yourself and haven’t had the time for “Until today.”

I know it’s a lot to ask when the man you love is not here to share the holidays and you’re thinking you can’t do it without Him, and I’m saying different.

But I’m here to tell you, you, the newly widowed, can do it.

And you will.

Because it’s time.

It’s your time.

Think new time.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows as they process their grief. You can learn more about her work for widows at her blog http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com and visiting her web site http://www.littleredmailbox.com

5 Mistakes To Avoid This Holiday Season

It’s the holiday season, whoop dee doo, and you the newly widowed find yourself engulfed in mistletoe and smiling faces. Everyone’s singing a happy tune - Everyone but you - You wonder, how will I get through this holiday season without Him?

I’m here to tell you, you can. And you will.

While I can’t change your circumstances, I can offer 5 mistakes for you the newly widowed to avoid this holiday season which will help turn your sadness into gladness.

Here they are:

Wearing your heart on your sleeve -

Moaning, whining, groaning is no way to spread holiday cheer. Beat those blues—Go shopping! Bake bread! Dust homemade brownies in confectioner’s sugar. Plastic plate them, wrap everything in see-through wrap, then stick a bow on it.

No. Not for you. For someone you don’t know.

You need not be rich as Rockefeller to honor that responsible receptionist who smiled brightly that frosty morning you were late escorting Him for that dreaded doctor visit, or to make that next door neighbor who prepared spaghetti dinner for you after the funeral feel appreciated. A home baked goodie from your kitchen, a box of inexpensive chocolates from the corner drugstore wrapped in foil and tied in fancy ribbon with your hand written note complimenting a job well done is bound to win praises and melt the iciest of hearts—Yours!

Performing the simplest act of kindness at this time of the year is life’s greatest gift, to you. I promise you will feel great and you will make a friend.

Showing too many tears -

Not a good thing, especially this time of year. Yes, you the newly widowed miss your life partner. Life sucks without him. And, you hate every freaking light on that tree. But don’t let it spoil your holiday.

Instead, honor your man. Let His spirit fill your senses. Go to church, light a candle; make a donation to a favorite charity in His name. Heck. Toss 4 quarters in that metal kettle, the one with the white-bearded guy dressed in red suit standing next to it. Let the klink of silver-coated copper coins fill your brain as they bounce to the bottom. Then raise your eyes to the heavens and thank Him for watching over you and helping you get through another holiday.

Getting caught with a frown -

Greet friends, neighbors, and family members with a great big smile. Hold your head up. Make eye contact. Flash those pearly whites. Say in your brightest cheeriest voice, “Happy Holiday! Happy Healthy New Year!”

You will be amazed at this infectious behavior. You will get a good chuckle at friends’, neighbors’, and family members’ reactions, expecting you the newly widowed to behave differently. I realize we can’t be the life of the party, but we sure can have a good time trying.

Dressing down -

Dress for success sounds trite. But it’s true. The simple act of cleaning up, putting on a pretty face, and donning a frilly outfit will work wonders for your self esteem. You will look good and you will impress others.

So go to your closet, pull out something red. Pair it with that black silk skirt or pair of black velvet slacks you stashed away thinking you’ll never wear this again. Open that jewel box. Oh, c’mon. Ain’t a lady on planet earth what doesn’t own a holiday broach or string of pearls. Okay, so they’re not real. I won’t tell. I promise.

Making it too complicated -

Widows get a bum rap. Don’t be deterred if your former friends don’t include you in their annual house party. The one you used to attend in a former life.

Throw a party of your own. Invite the dear women and gentleman you met at bereavement. Ask everyone to bring something good to eat or drink. Betcha 4 commemorative quarters you’ll win the mending hearts and respect of those widows and one widower. And, you’ll be one baby step closer to eking out that niche in your new life.

Being depressed -

It’s the time of year that brings out the best in us; the worst in us.

But here’s the kicker. On this one, we have a choice. Make it positive. Think happy thoughts.

Missing a life partner, especially this time of year, is normal. Being sad, is normal. No matter our culture, our religious belief, or our holiday traditions, we share grief. But if you pay attention to my 5 mistakes to avoid this holiday season (outlined above), you just may find yourself with an ear-to-ear grin and caroling a happy tune, too.

We have only to look to Rudolph, that flying red-nosed reindeer, for inspiration. Against all odds, look what he did.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. She supports new widows through the grief process. Receive a copy of Della Donnas FREE E-Book,Mourning Joy. Just visit her web site - http://www.littleredmailbox.com

On Our 19th Anniversary

Happy Anniversary Gary….....today would have made 19 years!! I am so thankful for the 12 long years (16 if you count from when we first started dating our junior year of highschool), but mad as hell that its OVER!! I hate that your gone and I’m left here to try and figure out what to do with myself!!! I lost my husband (yeah, yeah best friend and soul mate too), my lifestyle, the only home my girls had known, 90% of all our friends, a piece of my soul and my future!! One would think that 7+ years later I would have this young widow thing licked, but I seem to be having some issues with getting on with life. It seems that every time I think I’m getting on, something creeps in and screws it all up!! It seems to work in 3 year intervals…..ya’ know, just long enough to get in really good with someone before the rug gets pulled out from under your feet!! UUUUUGGGHHHH!! Sometimes I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE being a freakin’ widow!! Like I said earlier, we would have been married 19 years today. I’m sure we would have still had the occasional trial or tribulation to overcome, but we would still be madly in love with one another, still pushing each others buttons, and still lovin’ every minute of it! You could have marveled at these 2 beautiful creatures we made, grow and mature into perfect combination of us! LOL!!! Like that is what the worlds needs…..a combination of me and you! Whew!! Be ready world for the Collins’ girls!! I sooooo, hate that you are not here with me NOW cuz your oldest daughter (16 in a few days) is starting to bring boys home and I certainly cannot greet them in my underwear with a gun-holster on!!! (Well, I guess I could, but that would be inappropriate!) Anyways, I guess I’m just trying to say that…..you’ve been gone a long time and I really miss you. I’m still sad on our anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine’s day, etc. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. Happy anniversary.
Your wife the widow,
Kassie

I hate having to choose a title for this…

Where to begin….I feel like I’ve told this story so many times but each time I can’t portray the full sadness and emptiness I felt. Or the joy and happiness of moving forward…or creating a new normal.

When I first laid eyes on Ricky, I was hooked! He was the one, his dashing smile, good looks, charm, it was easy for any girl to fall for him. I was a Freshman in High school while he was a Senior. I was told by my parents he was to old so forget about it but I couldn’t. We were together all through high school, a total of 4 years. He had gone off for boot camp to join the USMC 3 months after dating so I quickly became accustomed to letters and going to special events alone. Not long after bootcamp he was deployed in 2004. The war was at its prime and he was in an area known as the triangle of death. Rarely did I get a phone call during those 10 months but when I did they lasted for maybe 5 minutes and it kept me going a little longer.

When he came home from the deployment he was no longer a boy, now a man who had seen things and experienced things that no one at that age should. His company lost 5 men and Ricky really struggled for a long time after that. Through support and his faith in God he was able to re-enter civilian life. Not long after I graduated high school we were engaged! We chose to have an outdoor wedding in my parents backyard (a dream of mine since I was a little girl). Living in Illinois we knew it was risky with the weather but trusted God would take care of the little details. Two weeks before our wedding there was a blizzard and the day of on April 21, 2007 we were blessed with an 80 degree day!

We loved married life! We had barely any money but as long as we had each other that’s all that mattered. We knew he would be deployed a second time and after 5 months together it came true. They were deployed but this time the war had come to some what of a calm and it really didn’t feel like a deployment. I received a phone call from him almost every day and we were able to talk sometimes up to an hour. We would still wright letters to each other back and forth and every now and then we were able to Skype.

Sunday, April 13th I received a Skype from Ricky and it was the best time ever! We had never been able to Skype this long, two hours, seeing each other face to face, I felt like the luckiest girl. We ended the conversation with I love you’s and I started to cry cause I didn’t want to say goodbye. He encouraged me that everything was going to be ok. April 14th, 2008 I got home that day from work waiting to meet up with a friend to go work out. The buzzer in my apt rang and I let who I thought would be my friend in. A knock came to my door followed by another knock. Normally my friend just lets herself in so I thought it was odd she was knocking. I looked through my peep whole and saw 5 men in uniform standing outside my apt door. I instantly thought, Ricky must be injured seeing as how I had just talked to him 12 hours before and I was just reading his letters I had received that day. I opened the door and they told me to sit down. My mind new what was about to come but my heart couldn’t believe it. Then the words came out of the man’s mouth, “I’m sorry to inform you, but your husband was killed today”. Instant shock, tears, despair came all over my body like a flood.

It was one week before our first wedding anniversary, something we had so looked forward to spending together. I remember getting that care package sent back to me with all the chocolates and goodies I had packed in it to make that day special for him.

I was married at 19 and widowed at age 20….not even old enough to go to the bar to get a drink. Life has been so incredibly difficult yet also rewarding, learning about my grief and cherishing the time I had with Ricky. Almost three years later I’m just now feeling like my head is above water and I can breath a little deeper.

Christmas Spirit

This will be my first year without my husband. After 20 years of marriage, it’s painful. This is the time of year when we are usually getting dressed up to go to Christmas parties… the time of year when he takes out the ladder to hang Christmas lights on our house and he brings in the Christmas tree for us to decorate. He was our “designated” person to place the star on top.

I don’t know what the future years will be like but it is very difficult this year and feels very strange and empty without him. While the neighbors continue to decorate their homes and the co-workers continue to bring in holiday cheer, the Christmas cards also begin to appear in the mailbox . I oftentimes wonder how I am going to get through what was always my favorite time of the year.

What I try to remind myself though is that this was a man who gave me and our girls the world. I was blessed to have had him for 20+ years. He would want me to continue to take our girls to church, to get them in the kitchen cooking (he loved to cook) and to just continue doing what we have been accustomed to as much as possible.

And, honestly, although on many days I “just don’t feel like it,” I know that deep down inside I have to keep our family going. So during this holiday season, although I’m not in the mood for decorating and listening to Christmas carols, I try to engage the children as much as I can in the festivities – for this is their childhood. And when I find that it’s just too much on any given day, I ask for help and take time out for myself. I forget on some days but I know it’s essential “every day.” For the well being of my soul, I pray, read or just take a nice hot bath to regroup all by myself. I know that if I don’t take care of me, I can’t take care of anyone else. And during those times when I feel lonely, I pick up the phone and talk to friends and family.

This holiday season is not just difficult for me but also for the three children who look to me to keep our family moving forward. Realizing that Dad will always be looking down on us from heaven, we know that we are not really alone.

Finally, tips for my fellow military widows during the holidays :

1. Take some “me time” for yourself every day.

2. Pray

3. Start a new book or read something of interest every day.

4. Begin a new hobby or interest - something you have always been interested in doing

5. Spend quality time with family and friends

6. Give to others who are less fortunate than yourself

-Sharon Williams
Proud wife of Dexter Williams, USNAVY Retired

New Traditions

Traditions can be beautiful; yet, when emotionally laden they can become intensely painful. Doing things differently makes it is harder to compare to your “old” life. We always used to chop down our own Christmas tree, but my kids (9 and 7 at the time) didn’t even want a tree our first year. So, we compromised and got a pre-lit artificial tree. Now it is our new tradition. Also, it was so hard to decorate the tree with our memory-filled ornaments. So, for 3 years we didn’t even get out our old ornaments. Instead we created a patriotic tree. Now that it has been 8 years, we have 2 trees: our patriotic tree and one with our old ornaments (both artificial of course!).

It can be so raw and painful to do things the same way you used to. Give yourself permission to do things differently.

Laurie

P.S. Instead of birthday cake for the first year—we had birthday brownies.

What to do this Thanksgiving

The holidays have a way of magnifying our loss and can be a difficult and confusing time of year. “What to do? How to act? How to wake up and seize the day?” are just a few of the thoughts running through our widowed brain. With Thanksgiving kicking off the rollercoaster ride we’re all on this holiday season we thought we’d put together a list of ideas and things to do to make this time one you can enjoy.

Help Others

o Bake Goodies to Donate to a local organization or charity that is helping to feed the needy this holiday season.

o Having guests over? Ask them to each to bring clothing, books, canned food, etc. and donate them to local shelters (women’s, homeless, animal).

o Deliver or hand out food for a local church, VFW hall or hospital or shelter.

o Volunteer in a Thanksgiving Trot or local festivity that may be going on that day.

o Host local military personnel that may not have a place to eat.

o Visit these sites:

§ www.volunteermatch.com is a great resource to find something in your area.

§ www.craigslist.com >community section also is a good site to find volunteer opportunities.

Give Thanks…to yourself and others

o Go to www.legacy.com/soldier/home.aspx and leave a message to a stranger who made the ultimate sacrifice as well, or visit www.letssaythanks.com and send a free postcard to military members serving overseas.

o Start a Gratitude Journal. It’s pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down five things that have made you happy or appreciative that day; not necessarily big things, even small ones count. For example: 1) nice weather, 2) being thanked by a customer at work, 3) my pet, 4) having people who love me, 5) or a funny joke to tell everyone.

o Be grateful for old traditions but don’t be scared to start new ones. Ask your kids or friends if they have an idea.

§ Here’s a site that has ideas on starting new traditions on Turkey Day: http://aginggrandparents.suite101.com/article.cfm/new_thanksgiving_traditions

o Don’t feel pressured to celebrate if you’re not in the mood. Be thankful that you recognize your boundaries and know that there are not right or wrong decisions. There’s only the decision to follow your heart and what you can bear.

Remember

o During Your Holiday festivities, go out by yourself or with your children and pick out a candle. Square, round, scented, unscented, whatever you like, and light it at dinner or whenever you choose, as a representation of your loved one who can’t be there. Light it when you miss him, light it when you feel him, light it when you need to feel the glow of his love.

o Write a message to your hero of all that you are thankful for that he made possible or did to make your life better. Tie it to a balloon and send it up to him.

o If you’d like, you could do an empty place setting for your loved one at the photo, as they do at military balls and other military functions. Here is a link to read more about it:

http://regimentalrogue.tripod.com/srsub/mess_dinner_organization_c.htm

And Most Importantly…..Relax

o Stick in a favorite movie or go to your local theater.

§ Visit http://www.google.com/movies to find your local showtimes.

o Hog down on turkey, stuffing, and pie till you pass out, while watching the Macy’s Day Parade on TV.

o Not cooking but still want a Thanksgiving Feast? Cracker Barrel and Denny’s are two spots open that day that serve all the fixings and more. Check your local newspaper for other places in town that may be doing the same.

o Don’t want a Thanksgiving meal? McDonald’s is open for all your Big Mac and french fry needs. Also, Chinese Take-Out is a sure bet on this day as well.

o Pick out an outfit to go shopping in on Black Friday and buy yourself a gift for surviving your 1st, 5th, 20th….Thanksgiving without your hero. You deserve it.

o Cry, scream, laugh, sleep…. Do whatever you need and remember to breathe.

Other Useful Links and Articles:
Thanksgiving Day on a Dime:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Thanksgiving-Dinner-on-a-Dime&id=3294143

What to do with your leftovers:

http://www.chow.com/stories/10812

Thanksgiving Day Games and Crafts:
http://www.amazingmoms.com/htm/thanksgiving_games.htm

6 Ways to a Happier New Year

Happy New Year! Yeah, I know. You’re thinking what’s with this writer? Life sucks without Him by your side. How dare she use the H word and wish me a Happy New Year.

Well, I feel your pain. Really, I do, because I am a widow, too. But, I’m here to tell you, everything will be alright. No, it won’t be like it was before He left. But yes, you can and you will get through this year—With a smile.

Here are 6 ways to have a happier New Year:

Control Your Tears.

Take a deep breath. Every time you feel a tear attack, poke your eyeball, take a step back. Inhale. Exhale.
A deep breath will help relax you. It will remind you to focus. And it will help you regain your self control.

Reduce Stress

Carry a notebook. Begin today.
No notebook? Carry 3x5 index cards. And don’t forget a pen. Tote one of those too. Every time you feel pressured, write your feelings down. The time you take to write out what troubles you when it is happening will create a personal time out—For you! What better way to reduce stress? Later, when you sit quiet reviewing your notes with a cup of tea at the corner diner, you will better be able to identify the things that irk you most. Think walk in the park. When you know to avoid that shiny 3-leafed plant that causes itches, you enjoy your outing.

Create A Family

Got family? I sure hope so. Having a healthy happy family support system is essential to heal a broken heart. Okay. You say all you got is a small brat dog and his little cat. Well, thassamifamileee2!

Write a schedule for whatever people and/or creatures that make up your family. Setting aside time for breakfast with your daughter before she leaves for work, is a start. Mark time for your son. Invite him for dinner. But be sure to pencil him in, just in case the wintry weather turns from rain to sleet and snow.

Remind yourself - be flexible, be prepared to change plans.

Schedule a time to walk doggy. Write it in your personal calendar box as a reminder. Be sure to bundle doggy, collar and leash him, and zip your jacket. Then get out the door and follow that four-footed fur ball twice around the block.

Keep up the good work.

And be sure to compliment yourself. Remember you’re your own best friend. Take time to make time especially for you. Mark a box to pamper you. Fill your bathtub with chocolate kisses *hey, just checking to see if you’re still reading* light two candles, one for you, one for Him. Then sink under the foam with a good book.

Prevent Grief Attacks

Sorry. There is nothing a widow can do to prevent a grief attack. You know those floppy flashbacks that flood our brain when we least expect it? Like death and taxes, flashbacks are here to stay. But, if you give yourself permission to feel sad, to feel ugly, to feel pain, it will make the occurrence feel less threatening and help you get back to living your life, at least for the rest of the day.

Eat Healthy Foods

Widows love chocolate. Widows love ice cream. Widows love whipped cream, heavy cream, and Oreo cookies, chips, dips, and frosted donuts with rainbow colored sprinkles. When there’s no one to answer to, no one to cook for, no one to love us back, it’s easy to fall into bad habits. So be vigilant, be strong, be reminded. Don’t do it. Be your own best friend. Serve yourself a healthy salad, a grilled salmon steak, a leafy vegetable at least once a week. Save the carbs, the sweets, as your reward for making it through one more year without Him by your side to tell you you look great in that sexy red dress and 2” high heels.

Take Ten

Set aside ten minutes every day to write an entry in your JOY-nal. Write something about Him. Write something to Him. Perhaps, write something for Him. But do it. Mark your calendar. Check the battery in your watch. Then open your Joy-nal. Fingerhug your pen. And go.

I know it’s hard living life without Him around to tell you how wonderfully important you really are. But take it from me, you really are. And if you follow my 6 ways to have a happier New Year outlined above, you will feel it, too. I promise.

-Linda Della Donna