I first wrote about my Allen on this site, what, 2-3 years ago. Its under suicide, entitled Al, my best friend. His birthday was 2/17/68. He would’ve been 48. It is also my older brother’s birthday. Bittersweet.
It has taken me so long to read those responses since I wrote my story. I thought it would hurt too much. I truly am not alone. I’ve graduated the older two from high school and working on the third this year. The baby girl is a sophomore and all seem to know what they want, if not how to get it. My in laws and I are finally a family. I’m black and my hubs was white from Iowa, so that relationship was strained. But we love and need one another. I feel as though I’m STILL spiraling out of control. I got my paralegal studies degree 12/14. Still no job. I accomplished something and now, cannot use it to support the family. I’ve become a shut in. Away from people, places, events. I feel like every time I step out that door my kids may never see me again. My dog is such a huge support for me. Allen’s dog died of natural causes, and we were all so devastated. I asked Al to meet her at the front of the rainbow bridge.
So here I sit. I dragged myself to my son’s football games and brought my Allen’s ashes to every game. My son wanted that. He’d meet me on the field and he’d hug and kiss me and take his dad to the locker room. He was the teams good luck charm. We won state for the first time and the schools only been open since 2010. I do the same for the 15 year-old. I bring him to every marching band performance I can. I go with her to the spring break band trips. But I am a zombie. Holidays do not happen in my home. Christmas, Easter, nothing. It feels hollow to the kids and I.
My kids say I’m great and I still laugh. But y’all know faking it is easy. Real is very hard. I also feel like I don’t fit in to any group. AWP has been amazing with the 1 silent auction event I went to with my legal doc prep professor. Great loving time. But since then, I’ve chose to nothing. I need someone to physically drag me out to an event with others like me. My depression is in control, and it and I keep me from enjoying, or hell, not even enjoying anything. I do not want to be like this. My children silently worry about me so they’ve put their lives aside to make sure I’m ok. My boys are really protective of me. They will come in to my room to entertain me, or just to see me smile. That’s not fair to them. I should be doing that for them.
I put out 20 resumes a week. I call back, nothing. Short of just stalking law offices and trolling courthouses, I’ve done everything. You’d think living so close to Austin it’d be easy. So I’m making a huge step for me. I’m asking that you ladies near Austin, Texas and surrounding areas, help me kick my ass in gear and help me reintroduce myself to the world. Maybe by doing something that terrifies me, I’ll come out of the other end, if not whole, something damn similar. Please don’t be put off by my need to reject things. Be persistent. I am trying to quilt, I read, I love a good bottle of wine, and I just want to BE doing, not just BEING.