I found out that I was pregnant in October, soon after my husband left for his Intelligence school in Virginia. We spent long hours on the phone while he was away. In December, he was able to come home for two weeks and we spent our first Christmas together and it was wonderful…. I had never imagined that this was going to be our first and last Christmas together as a family.
I was only 3 months pregnant with our first son when I found out that my husband didn’t show up to his class, shortly after he had returned to Virginia to finish up his school. His instructor had mentioned that he could had taken an Unauthorized Absence (UA) and maybe he got cold feet because I got pregnant. He only had 3 weeks left before he graduated school so why would he go on UA? Why would he get cold feet? He was really looking forward to being a Daddy. He watched the 3D sonogram DVD the night before he went back to Virginia and he was crying. Nothing made sense to me but deep down inside, I knew something bad had happened to him. This wasn’t like him. I went two weeks not knowing where my husband was at. Next thing I knew, I saw two men dressed up in their uniform in front of my door, informing me that they found my husband’s remains. Here I was, 3 months pregnant with our first child and I didn’t know what to do or think. Honestly, I wanted to die. If I took my own life, I will be with him and the baby can be with us. We will be united once again and we will be together forever. Soon after I was informed about my husband’s death, I had to call my sister in law and inform her about her brother. She cried and immediately told me that she knew what I was thinking and she knew that I’m thinking about taking my own life to be with her brother. She told me that I had to have this baby and raise him because that is what her brother would have wanted me to do. When she told me that, it made me think twice about harming myself. She was right, my husband would want me to have our child.
The next 6 months were really hard. I had quite a few suicidal thoughts and it was so bad that I even dreamt about how and where I was going to take my own life. I just wanted to die. I didn’t care about anything or anyone anymore. I just wanted to be with my husband. Then I felt like I was being selfish so I was planning on taking my own life after the baby was born so I didn’t have to put him through all of this. I had everything planned out. I had a million things running through my head and had so many questions. How could something like this happen to my husband? How could something like this happen to me and my son? I didn’t know how I was going to raise my son without a father. There is not a single picture of my son and his father together. How am I going to explain to my son how his Daddy died? What am I going to tell him when he comes home from school one day and asks me how come he doesn’t have a Daddy like everyone else? I spent many days and nights crying, thinking about my son growing up without a father and not having a husband to share these precious moments with. We were supposed to have three kids and we had a whole future planed out for us. This wasn’t supposed to happen…
On June 2nd, 2006, our son, Justin Paul was born at 12:15am. When I held him for the first time, I cried. I was glad to be alive, for the first time since my husband died. When my son was born, he had this little red line on his cheek. When I asked a doctor about it, he said that this red line is called an “Angel Kiss”. I knew immediately that it was a kiss from my husband.
Now my son is almost 2 years old and there is not a day that goes by that he does not remind me of my husband. The way he acts, the way he looks, the way he talks, everything just reminds me of my husband. I am still struggling with my depression but our son is what gets me through every day. He is the only reason I am still here today. Our son saved my life. As I spend every day with my son and watch my son grow, I often look back at those times when I was really suicidal and I think to myself that I could never put him through not having both of his parents. It is hard enough growing up without a father, but not both parents. My husband would never forgive me if I put our son through that just to be with him. It is hard to be a single parent but I make sure that I give him extra love and extra hugs and kisses.
So for all the pregnant widows, please don’t give up. When times get rough, I promise you that he/she will be there to wipe away your tears. Just remember to take “One day at a time”.
Categories: Holidays & Anniversaries